Day 4 at my parent’s house.
Brownie total: 37 and counting…
My sweat now smells like frosting… it won’t be long now…
Anyway, welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!
Hmm, I’d better hide that BB gun before my little nephew sees it. “You’ll shoot your eye out kid.” …or mine. Either scenario would be a disaster, so I can’t risk ruining Christmas….again.
Technically, the first time wasn’t my fault, but I was still directly involved so I usually end up retelling this infamous tale each time we gather for the holidays. Last night was no exception.
My niece really enjoyed hearing this story for the first time, so I figured you might too.
With that said, here’s the abbreviated version of How Kojie and Fat Darrell Stole Christmas… (insert wavy flashback effects here…)
Picture it, Sicily, 1922… oh, wait. Actually, it was South Carolina at my grandparent’s house.
This happened long before the “Fat Darrell” days since I was only in 7th grade at the time.
I was in the backyard throwing my brand-new football with my cousin Richard Jr, (RIP 2012) who was better known by his nickname Kojie.
How do you get “Kojie” from “Richard Jr”? I have no idea either. My grandfather was notorious for giving all the kids in the family crazy nicknames that usually had nothing to do with their actual names.
Many of these nicknames were extremely literal and solely based on childhood behavior.
So, if you threw a sneaker when you’re 4, you might be called “Shoe.”
Enjoy playing in the sink? Great “Sink”, that’s your name now.
Enjoy moon pies? Great! You’re now going to be called “Moopie” or “Moop” for the rest of your life.
Most of these nicknames have stuck even through adulthood so thankfully I avoided that tradition! …says Fat Darrell. That nickname has a different origin story though!
Anyway, Kojie and I were tossing the football back and forth. He was a few years older, so I was trying to impress him with my perfect spiral as we lobbed it over my uncle’s (his father’s) car.
After coming dangerously close to smashing the windshield with a few errant passes, we thought it might be wise to see if my uncle could move the car to the other side of the yard, so we’d have more room to play.
He ran inside to ask, and my uncle innocently tossed him the keys to move the car a few feet.
If this were a movie, here’s where they’d cue the ominous foreshadowing music.
Kojie hopped into the driver’s seat and cranked the car as I waited on the other side of the lawn.
I can’t remember what song was on the radio, but I do remember our reaction. It was a good one. A Tribe Called Quest perhaps?
He turned up the volume and called me over.
I opened the passenger’s door and sat with my feet swinging out the side as I bobbed my head to the beat.
We sang along to a few more songs as I got lost in the rhythm. So lost that I didn’t hear him ask if I wanted to go for a ride.
However, by the time I responded “huh?” we were already rolling…fast!
I hardly had time to close my door as he sped off. Kojie wasn’t old enough to get his license yet, so I threw on my seatbelt, just in case.
I didn’t think he’d go very far though. I only expected him to go to the end of the block and turn around, so I was completely shocked when he pulled onto the main road! Oh boy…
Thankfully the roads were empty that day because Kojie floored it!
The wind was flying through the open window as he swerved left and right in an attempt to spook me.
“Are you scared”? He asked.
I shook my head “no” at the time, but I can now admit that yes, I was slightly terrified He was driving like a maniac!
After we’d driven about 5 miles, I finally convinced him to head back.
He agreed, slammed the breaks and came to one of those “Knight-Rider-esque” screeching halts as he pulled a donut in the middle of the road, then sped back toward my grandparent’s house.
80….90…..100mph. Despite the reckless speed, he was actually handling the car pretty well for a non-licensed minor!
However, he was going so fast that he overshot the final turn onto the road that would have led us back to the house.
We were a quarter of a mile past our turn when he finally realized we’d gone too far and slammed on the breaks. Instead of pulling a K or U turn though, he flipped the car into reverse and floored it!
Smoke was literally coming off the tires as the car hurled backwards at about 60mph.
Had he rolled straight back and made the turn before safely parking the car, perhaps I wouldn’t have to tell this story every Christmas. Unfortunately, that’s not how things played out.
My family lives in a small rural town where they have ditches are each side of the road.
Based on that factoid, I’m sure you can figure out where this going.
Yes, Kojie soon lost control of the car and swerved the car into the ditch and tree on the right side of the street.
I remember watching the football I was holding float past my face as my body rocked forward before the seat belt snapped me back into the headrest.
Again, had the story ended here, perhaps this story could have been retired by now.
However, consistent with the rest of his thought process that day, Kojie had one more bad idea left to try.
Before I could catch my breath, he pressed the gas and floored it in an attempt to drive his way out of the ditch.
I suppose his idea technically worked because after 20 seconds later, we shot out of the ditch on the right side of the street, across the street and into the ditch on the left side of the street!
While we only grazed the first tree, we hit this one dead on! Both the front and back end of the car were destroyed and the seats no longer had the ability to stand upright.
It was a very long walk back to my grandparent’s house. Kojie was on the verge of tears and although I wasn’t driving, I still felt awful!
My uncle was innocently humming Christmas carols with my grandmother when we returned. I silently clutched my football and took a seat as my cousin began to explain that he totaled his father’s car.
Uncle Richard laughed at first thinking it was all a joke until he caught on that we were serious!
For the next 4 hours, instead of enjoying our delicious meal and opening presents, every guy in the family worked to get that car out of the ditch.
Kojie was essentially sent packing since he went into hiding at my grandaunt’s house until it was safe to return. He didn’t show his face again until around 10pm, well past dark.
Although I almost died and wasn’t driving, it was still a rough day for me too!
My brother flipped out thinking I was out drag racing the car and even after I explained, it was still awful knowing my uncle’s car was totaled. I also had no idea where my cousin was but knew he was in deep trouble once he returned!
It was definitely awkward enjoying my presents and dinner that day knowing the controversy I was associated with!
Hopefully I hit my goals in 2019 and bring home the bag $$$. When I do, I definitely owe Uncle Richard a new car!
Hopefully that story all made sense. As you can see, I have an assistant this post. That’s my little nephew Domonick who said he was going to sit next to me silently while I write but hasn’t stopped talking about video games and flossing since he sat down.
He’s also high on Mountain Dew and on “Santa Watch” right now, so I’d better wrap this up.
Before I go though, let’s play a quick holiday round of “What Do You Meme” where I share some of the best content that I’ve seen online recently.
I’ve waited all year to post this first one…
Sorry anyone outside of my immediate family as well! Darrell is broke now.
No lies detected here either!
Another friendly reminder about those pot luck dinners!
Drink responsibly my friends… (but if you do anything embarrassing make sure to take photos!)
Speaking of workouts, here are a few fitness themed workouts you can try at home between shots of egg nog:
Okay, between my nephew begging me to play with him and spotty wifi, it’s time to close this one out. Cue the music!
I’ll Be Home for Christmas – Bing Crosby
Oh My God – A Tribe Called Quest
Crash – Dave Matthews Band
Swish Swish – Katie Perry ft. Nicki Minaj
Christmas Don’t Be Late – Alvin and The Chipmunks
Do you have another song that fits today’s themes or that’s just so great we should check it out anyway? Tell us in the comments below!
Before we go, here’s the next batch of “foodie holidays” to close out the year!
Whoa, National Bacon Day is the 30th! This is what we’ve trained for people. Bring it!
I’ve been having a great time with my cousins here in South Carolina and even made it over to the local Piggly Wiggly (speaking of National Bacon Day) so I’m enjoying this much needed break…even if I’m technically working on this blog post at the moment.
My cousin Bruce, me posing like an idiot at Piggly Wiggly and my cousin Alex. Hmm, am I the only one who smiles for pictures around here?
Hopefully all of your holiday shopping is done but if you’re still stuck for last minute ideas, check out our #DoubleFML Deals and Discounts page! There’s some good stuff over there.
Before you go though, please drop a comment below and you can follow me on social media by clicking the logos on the side panel!
Okay folks, I’m off to spend time with the family and wait for Santa with my nephew.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Until next time my friends, May the Fork Be With You…
“I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened by the old ones.” – John Cage