illustrations courtesy of Gjorgji Dspodov

That’s right everybody, follow your dreams!  …or should I say, “follow your memes”?  Actually, don’t do that, most memes will get you slapped or arrested.  But thanks for the inspiration Tee Brown!

Anyway, welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza!

Who kicks off an article on pizza with a meme about a burrito?  This guy!  This guy does.  #yolo

Hey, a man’s got needs, ya know?  And right now, those needs are stuffed with refried beans and guacamole.  Ole!   

But don’t get it twisted – we’re still getting that pizza!  #teamgreedy

That’s honestly how most of these fusion recipes get started though…including my namesake ®Fat Darrell Sandwich. 

Some greedy maniac attempts to satisfy all their cravings at once and voila!  There you have it. 

I’d imagine pregnant women started many of these fusion restaurants!  …especially this new one I read about serving pickle ice cream cones topped with Hot Cheetos!

Here’s a local restaurant that caught my eye last month. 

Wings, Chinese food and pizza?!  Whoa! 

I’d normally say, “sign me up” but the pizza on display looked like it came straight from the New Monmouth Elementary School cafeteria. 

Speaking of grade school lunches, my friend Noemi (@coffeewithcurls) shared the following:

Wow, this photo brings me back!  Those slices were both good and bad at the same time. 

The key was to get one that hadn’t sat on the warmer too long otherwise it was dryer than my last manager’s personality!  You’d end up drinking half your chocolate milk before the third bite.

If you read the post where I discussed my term as student body president of Thorne Middle School though, I was able to swing a deal with Domino’s to provide an alternative to these nostalgic square slices! 

So, if you attended Thorne during or after my reign, you’re welcome.  😉

Anyway, the closest I’ve come to this pizza and Chinese food marriage was when I ordered pepperoni slices from Ninnette’s in Tinton Falls, NJ while they made my combination platter at Panda House next door! 

Oh great, now I want lo mein and wonton soup too… 

Wait a minute!  I just did a quick search for Ninnette’s and it seems they’ve gone out of business?  What?  Is Panda House still there?  How was I not made aware of this sooner?  Jersey friends, you’re slacking!  Lynda Lettice, I want answers, immediately! 

My other favorite Jersey pizza destination, Guido’s, better still be open or I may riot! 

It’s 2018, you can literally protest anything now…  I’ll organize a march right down Highway 35 demanding garlic knots and calzones.  Don’t test me!  I can have 700 “What do we want?  Stromboli!  When do we want it?  NOW!” signs covered in glitter by the end of the week…

In the meantime, RIP Ninnette’s.  You’ll be missed. 

They also recently knocked down the old Steak and Ale I used to bring high school dates, so my childhood restaurant memories are crumbling!

Ha, I just had a flashback to one date in particular, when my car alternator died at her house, so I had to leave it there all weekend!  I know, smooth eh?  Hey, at least it happened after the date was over, as we turned into her driveway, instead of on the road!  It would have been a shame making her push the car up the interstate while I steered…

Just kidding!  Her father had to help me push it to an open area in their driveway though! 

That was shortly after I inadvertently called her mom “hot” in an old photo on the coffee table!  Whoops. 

Good thing they had a great sense of humor!  If you’re reading this, tell your parents I said “hi” Melissa!  If their car ever breaks down in Atlanta, I owe them a push…

Anyway, before we move on, here’s the mini-human who made me watch 5 back to back episodes of Little Einstein’s a few weeks ago.

That’s my longtime friend Ameera and her youngest daughter Ava.  She’s the one I was referring to last post. 

I’ve known Ameera since our grade school square pizza days! 

They were making the long drive from North Carolina to Mexico, so my apartment was one of their pit-stops. 

I’m glad they dropped by 2 weeks ago instead of last week since a plumbing issue had my apartment smelling like a sewer for several days!  I still need to have my garbage disposal replaced but thankfully, the issue is mostly resolved now. 

It was pretty awful for a while there!  I’ve never been the handiest guy in the world so I’m glad the maintenance crew figured it out! 

Until last week, I probably would have guessed that a ‘p-trap” was a funky blend of EDM and hip-hop. 

I also still get suspicious whenever a water fountain near a bathroom loses pressure after someone flushes the toilet.  Hmm…

Anyway yeah, never stop learning my friends.

Wait a minute, hold up.  Let’s take a look at that photo I took with Ameera and Ava again, shall we? 

What in the “triple crown Belmont Stakes” is going on here? 

Geez, I look like I just won the Kentucky derby or something!  I definitely smiled WAY too big in that picture.  But hey, shoutout to Mom and Dad for those braces back in the day…

Hmm, no wonder the selfie experts said to always look up!  Sorry to have failed you Sasha J.  Solid advice though…

You know who else I kind of look like in this photo?  Pac-Man.  No, seriously, look!

It makes sense though, as I’ve said before, Pac-man and I have a lot in common! 

Short, bald and always eating?  Check. 

Haunted by ghosts of the past and constantly dodging haters hellbent on keeping me from getting to the next level?  Check again.

Pac-man’s not the first cartoon I’ve been compared to though.  My friend Rich Brevard roasted me several years ago by saying I looked like Hefty Smurf after I made the mistake of wearing a light blue Under Armor top with white track pants to the gym! 

Never again…although I suppose he had a point!  The resemblance is uncanny.

I can’t remember why, but several years later, my friend Champ also said I looked like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle at the gym we worked at.

Hmm… Bald and animated with muscles, loves pizza and currently living in an apartment that smells like a sewer? Check again.

I also recently interviewed WWE Superstar Sheamus who played Rock Steady in the live action Ninja Turtles movie so okay, maybe Champ had a point!  I can’t deny that resemblance either.  Darrelltello perhaps?

Anyway, I always encourage you to comment with food items, restaurants and recipes I should try, and boy did that request pay off this week! 

That’s right folks, my buddy Jin Yoo came through with the great suggestion to look for the new frozen pizza options from Quest Nutrition!

What?  I had no idea these existed, but I’m absolutely down!

If you’re a regular here, I’ve always been a fan of Quest.  I’ve already recommended their protein shakes, bars, potato and tortilla chips in previous posts.  They’re all tasty (especially for health food), so I have high hopes for their pizza too!

Before you ask, no, I’m not on Quest’s payroll.  Although I was offered a brand ambassador gig with them several years ago but couldn’t accept the position since I represented a rival company.  I’m no longer with their rival though so hmm…where did I put that business card?

Anyway, these pizzas are being sold at Target so away we go!

Wait…this isn’t Walmart.  I’d better shower first.

Okay, NOW.  Away we go!

Ooh, look at me.  So fancy driving past Wally World today.  Which is a shame though because I still have Bingo cards in my glove compartment… (for context, click here)

Oh yeah, check out what my friend Melinda Corse spotted at her local Walmart. 

Ha!  $7 caviar?  Who made this?  Fancy Feast?  I don’t know about that one.  Any takers?  Comment below! 

Anyway, despite the Target website saying they had 6 of each flavor in stock, none were on the shelves when I arrived! 

They’re literally “hot off the presses” so none of the local stores had received their shipment yet.

Blah.  And to think, I showered for this? 

The manager told me to check back the next day after their grocery shipment arrived so day 1 of “The Quest for Pizza” was a colossal failure. 

At least I got to take this picture with the store mascot before I left though, so I suppose it wasn’t a complete waste. 

Oh, and I also made sure not to smile so big this time…

Day 2

The next morning also got off to a bad start since they still didn’t have the pizzas in stock when I called. 

However, the Super Target had them, so I threw on my Ninja Turtles hat (Sup Champ?) and raced over! 

Oh wow, and I felt fancy driving to regular Target!  Shopping at Super Target must make me “super fancy” now! 

Moving on up!  Although, I’d prefer “Bat-Fancy” over “super fancy” but I digress… #ImBatman

Anyway, all 3 flavors were in stock!  The options were Thin Crust 4-Cheese,  Thin Crust Supreme and Thin Crust Uncured Pepperoni. 

I was going to try all 3 but dropping $21 plus tax on 9” frozen pizzas felt like overkill.  I could go to an actual restaurant with that kind of cash! 

Perhaps I’ll try the other options another day, but for now, I just went with the uncured pepperoni since it has less fat than the supreme.  Besides, “uncured” must mean it’s “sick yo…”

Plus, it matches my hat!

Want one?  Visit BelovedShirts.com and use discount code DOUBLEFML to save 10%! 

Oh yeah, speaking of hats, I couldn’t escape without buying something else this time.  Leaving Target empty handed once was hard enough.  Twice would be nearly impossible!  Anyway, check it out:

I haven’t played many video games in recent years, but I was an old school Nintendo junkie back in the day, so this hat is perfect! 

Yeah, I know.  Immature as always but in my defense, it was on display in the men’s department, not kids.  I almost had to race some middle schooler to grab the last one though, but 2 were on the shelf so crises averted! 

What can I say?  Adulting is hard…or boring at the very least.

For example, even if I had kids already, at what point does a lame hat like this become desirable? 

#1 Dad?  # Dork perhaps.  Even without the words, look at it!    

They had a whole separate shelf of boring, oddly shaped hats like this on the other side of the men’s section.  Call me childish all you want, but my Nintendo hat is much cooler than this travesty!

Anyway, the first thing that jumps out about these pizzas are the nutrition stats. 

The serving size on the 4 cheese and pepperoni are half the amount and the supreme is a third.  Since most people seeking a healthy pizza will probably eat the entire thing, be prepared to do the math to figure out what you’re actually consuming.

The pros are that each serving is high in protein and gluten free!  Sadly, Quest had the same issue most frozen food companies have in that the sodium numbers are through the roof!  These are not for the faint of heart…literally!   

Unfortunately, frozen foods usually require extra preservatives to keep them fresh so it’s a tricky proposition.  Quest does an incredible job keeping their stats in check on non-refrigerated items, but this challenge was more daunting.

Let’s see how it tastes though, shall we?  Well…after a 20-minute wait that is.

Here’s what it looked like before going into the oven.

I suppose this break gives me time to slip into something more formal for this momentous occasion. 

If you’re wondering, yes, those are little pizzas on the button up shirt as well.

Anyway, it’s finally done so let’s taste this thing!

The Verdict:  Not bad Quest Nutrition.  Not bad at all!  It tastes like…well, it tastes like an every day frozen pizza.  I mean that as a compliment though because anything marketed as “healthy” and “gluten free” could potentially taste like a cardboard brick. 

You won’t mistake this for delivery, but when compared to most regular frozen pizza options, it blends right in.

The bar most healthy alternative options need to clear is to just not be disgusting.  So in that regard, Quest has accomplished their mission.

However, the health benefits are debatable which is the problem.  That’s why Quest was wise to only list a third of the nutrition stats on the Supreme and half on the other flavors.  It’s a personal pizza though so the odds of anyone cutting it into those serving sizes are slim to none!  Especially after a grueling workout.

As a result, that tiny pizza I just devoured contained 1420mg of sodium and 42 grams of fat including 18 grams of saturated fat!

On the plus side, it was only 680 calories and contained 56 grams of protein but it’s hard to honestly say the pros outweigh the cons….especially for $6.99.

Although I’m still a huge Quest fan overall, I always keep it real.  This product is a miss. 

Instead, you’re better off making your own using healthier ingredients or just ordering regular pizza in moderation.

Do you have another food item, restaurant or recipe we should all try?  Tell us about it in the comments below!  

You can also join our Facebook foodie group, Phenomnomnomenal, by clicking here!

When creating a strength training routine, make sure to incorporate exercises that train your entire body.  Even if you love training your arms and “want huge guns”, you should also show your legs, back, chest, shoulders and core some love too!  Those “don’t skip leg day” memes are right!  It’s not a good look and also leaves you more susceptible to injury due to muscular imbalances.  Consider incorporating compound exercises that train multiple muscle groups at the same time or at the very least, be sure to address each one individually before the end of each week.

Do you have a fitness question, goal or accomplishment you’d like to share?  Tell us about it in the comments below!  

Today’s Soundtrack

Dreams – The Cranberries

Bonita Applebum – A Tribe Called Quest

Pizza – Anti Up

Everything – Nas ft. Kanye West and The-Dream

Straight from the Sewer – Das Efx

In My Feelings (Kiki) – Drake

Do you have another song that fits today’s themes or that’s just so great we should check it out anyway?  Tell us in the comments below!

Before we head out, as always, here are your “foodie holidays” that occur between now and next post!

Hmm, okay a few of these are a bit redundant but hey, I love ice cream too so, I’m down!  …but wasn’t National Hot Dog Day also on July 4^th? 

I need to investigate who makes these lists and lobby to make ®Fat Darrell Day official in January!

7/17 is also World Emoji Day?  Who knew?!  It’s pretty obvious my favorite is the upside smiley face!  I use the flexing arm and pizza one a lot too though.  What are your favorites? 

Anyway, please make sure to leave a comment below before you go!  You can also follow me on social media by clicking the logos on the side panel.

Whatever you get into this week, I hope it’s incredible!  Summer is winding down so make the most of it before it’s over!

That advice was somewhat hypocritical since I haven’t done much yet myself, but each day is another opportunity to do something epic, so get out there and make things happen!

Until next time my friends, May the Fork be With You…

-Darrell

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb.  That’s where the fruit is.” – H. Jackson Browne