What’s up everybody? Welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza!
For those who don’t know this already, I come from a family of distinguished military personnel.
My father and older brother are both decorated war heroes who served as officers in the United States Army.
My mother also served as a high-ranking civilian management team leader for the US Department of Defense!
My preschool and kindergarten were located on the Army base at Fort Monmouth, NJ (if you’re reading this right now, hi Miss Anne Marie! 😊). During breaks from college, I eventually returned to that same base to work as an administrative assistant for the US Department of Defense as well.
As such, I’ve always been surrounded by and had the utmost respect for the brave men and women who valiantly defend our nation!
These real-life super heroes selflessly risk their lives running toward danger to protect us from foreign and domestic threats. HOORAH to that…and thank you for your service! #salute
However, despite my shaved head and muscles, I’ve never once considered actively serving in any of The Armed Forces myself.
Aside from fully embracing the “black sheep” role in my family (Baaaaahhhh), I truly believe that I was placed on this Earth to entertain people. So, while I’d gladly play a soldier on TV, getting shot at with real bullets never seemed quite as appealing!
The closest I’ve come to signing up for the military was when I joined the Old Navy rewards program to save 10% off gym clothes. That is…. until now.
That’s right folks, I’m enlisting!
Last week, President Trump announced the creation of an elite new military branch…. The Space Force!
Now, this hasn’t fully launched yet so it’s hard to know exactly what it entails, but I do know that my country needs me.
No wait, scratch that. The world needs me!
Seriously, do you have any idea how many episodes of Ancient Aliens I’ve watched? Regular readers may have noticed that I talk about that show almost every post!
I’ve also seen E.T. a billion times, Space Jam a million times, every episode of Alf and every X-file! I’ve been preparing for this role my whole life!
I’ve also been called a space cadet numerous times and although I’ve never been called an astronaut, I get called the first syllable approximately 4 times per day. That makes me at least 33% astronaut! Close enough. It’s simple math folks.
Look, if I’m not the most qualified person for this mission, I’ve got to at least be in the top 5!
Granted, I’m godawful with the important “sciency” stuff so, I probably couldn’t identify a constellation in the sky to save my life. If these were Biblical times, I would have never made it to the manger on time!
Hmm, I also never truly mastered the formula to determine when train A would intersect with train B.
I got an A on my science fair replica of the solar system that I made using popsicle sticks, string and Styrofoam back in the day though, so that must count for something, right?
I also had the highest Galaga score for 8 consecutive weeks at the Middletown Pizza Hut back then too so yeah…I’m ready.
Again, I have no idea when this new branch will launch but if the NSA is spying on my TV watching habits, it’s only a matter of time before I’m drafted anyway. It’s inevitable.
Well Darrell’s no draft dodger, so I might as well be proactive and start training now! Always stay ready, ya know?
Hmm, the details haven’t been released yet though but hey, I’m a certified fitness trainer and fairly creative, so I should be fine winging it for now. Although, this would be the perfect spot to grab a quote from that UFO Welcome Center guy in Bowman, SC!
Anyway, I figured that I’d give you a glimpse into my hardcore training regimen. This post may end up being redacted like the Kennedy Assassination documents at some point though because we’re at the forefront of the final frontier! To infinity and beyond my friends. You’re truly witnessing history here folks!
With that said, the following are several highlights from my first few days of Space Force Boot Camp!
First things first, what to wear, what to wear? I’m sure we’ll be provided with some anti-gravity spacesuit but for training and such, we’ll need a uniform. Hmm…
For now, this intergalactic vest, hat and weirdo glasses should work.
While digging through shirts, I also found this one which reminded me that pizza and burritos may not exist on Mars.
Obviously, those thoughts resulted in a full-fledged panic attack, thus concluding day 1. Hey, baby steps folks…baby steps.
Back at it and motivated as ever! I’ll have to get used to space food though, ya know? Like they say, “When in Rome” …. or in this case, “When on Mars.”
So, with that said…
“Alexa, order me 1,000 packages of Astronaut Ice Cream, 56 boxes of Moon Pies and a Shake Weight, stat!”
Want you own? Here’s our Amazon affiliate link: https://amzn.to/2Mq1393
Remember that stuff? Astronaut ice cream? I forgot how it tastes, but apparently, it’s come a long way since I first got hustled out of my souvenir money during that grade school trip to the Liberty Science Center.
Back then, they only offered Neapolitan chocolate, vanilla and strawberry but look at them now!
They have mint? Chocolate chip! Cookies and cream?! I’m surprised they don’t have pumpkin spice for the basic B astronauts yet. Hmm, maybe it’s only available in the fall…
Anyway, ad to cart.
I’ll also need to rewatch all the TV shows and movies I mentioned earlier. Plus, Star Wars, Guardians of the Galaxy and more. This might take a while. Anyone have an active Netflix password I can borrow?
Obviously, I didn’t get through all those films yet, but the diverse range reminds me that I’ll need to be prepared for everything.
Will the aliens tell awful puns like Alf or will they try to blow up The White House like the Independence Day invaders?
What if they’re shape-shifters? Like when you’re dancing with someone you think is cute at the bar and then they turn on the lights at the end of the night and you realize it was actually a gremlin the whole time?
What if I can only save the world by beating them in a basketball tournament like Space Jam? Or a dance off like Stomp the Yard? Nobody wants to “get served” by an alien.
“Alexa, play The Cha Cha Slide and Apache (Jump on It) on repeat! I need to practice.”
This really could go in any direction, so I’ll have to cross train for any and every situation.
I’ll also need to pull my Galaga, Let’s Dance and Buck Rogers games out of storage asap!
Although I hate cardio, I decided to go for a run to work on my conditioning.
To set the mood, I decided to go with these ugly silver throwback Adidas pants and the invaders tee I debuted in the Out of This World post. I also threw on my Scorpio hat since Astrology and Astronomy both deal with stars and cosmic energy so hey, close enough, right?
Oh, and don’t worry about the shirt humans, I’m just trying to blend in to build the alien’s trust. I’m like an undercover agent or something. Darrell Brasco – “Fuhgeddaboudit.”
Anyway, check out this house I ran by!
I was upset to see that it was for sale because I would love to have met the former owners based on this bizarre lawn motif! Speaking of space cadets, eh?
Hold up, is that a giraffe? I may need to buy this house…or at least the decorations!
Oh, and here’s the speed bump that I accidently tripped over since I was running too fast. So, clearly it works.
My initial training focused on isolated preparation, however by day 5, it was time to run a few real-world drills to test my skills
Oh and yes, that last sentence rhymed. I’m also preparing in case I need to defeat the aliens in a rap battle…
Anyway, I’d already spent countless hours identifying various types of aliens in movies, but I needed to prove that I could also identify them in person.
Obviously, I don’t have access to a rocket yet, so zooming to Mars is impossible. However, I can do the next best thing by surrounding myself with Walmartians and ATLiens at my local Walmart Supercenter!
Before we continue, truth be told, Walmart is one of my favorite stores. I even owned their stock at one point.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Target too! Both companies have items that are specific to their stores but, generally speaking, Walmart is cheaper.
Sure, Target feels classier with their clean atmosphere, friendly customer service and full sets of teeth but if I were down to my last $100, I know it would probably go further at Walmart.
That’s why I go to Target for specialty items and stick to Walmart for the rest. Hey, you can be boujee all you want, I like saving a few bucks! What can I say? I’m just a Walmart kid in a Target world.
“I’m just a Walmart kid in a Target world.” #DoubleFML
Disclaimer aside, there’s plenty of truth behind the reputation Walmart has gotten over the years. Between their low prices and 24-hour access at many locations, they attract some um “interesting” customers to say the least.
Many shoppers feel that shoes, deodorant and clothing are optional which is why I often refer to them as Walmartians.
Anyway, this may be the closest I can get to setting foot on another planet for a while.
With that said, to sharpen my observation skills and test my speed and agility, I developed the following training protocol hereby dubbed: Walmartian Bingo!
The rules are simple. It’s essentially a scavenger hunt for the 31 most likely people and situations you’ll encounter at Walmart. You know, people in pajamas, jaded employees, the usual.
Of course, 31 may take a while, so for speed drills, I’ve created the following condensed version via Bingo styled boards. Check it out!
The objective is to locate 5 in a row before you leave the store! Each card holds 24 scenarios so feel free to bring a friend to play with or against you. Don’t forget to scream “BINGO” if you win! Anyway, let’s give this a run shall we?!
A cop had someone pulled over when I first arrived but there wasn’t an arrest, so I missed out on that one. Man, so close! I couldn’t even get the photo before they left.
Normally 3 blocked parking spaces are a given, but this took much longer than expected! I spotted 2 right away and then returned to the parking lot to find a third after my list hit a lull inside the store.
Ah, here’s why. I showed up during the one hour of the day they actually decided to bring the carts in.
And then some smiley guy was at the greeter station, so I couldn’t cross that one off either!
He must be new. The guy he replaced was this old salty black dude who silently stared you up and down as you entered.
No words were exchanged and there weren’t any smiles. It was just unfiltered shade and disapproving judgement.
Ahh, I actually kind of miss him. He reminded me of being back home in New Jersey. I hope he’s okay.
Anyway, Guy Smiley over here just blocked another space on the board. Although, I’d be smiling while standing next to this display too! Check it out!
I’ll have to investigate what Pepsi is up to with this Michael Jackson promotion but not now. I’m in serious training mode. HOO-RAH!
There are a few Bingo spaces that involve the bathroom, so I went there next. One of the toilets had been wrapped in plastic for the past 2 months but just my luck, it was fixed! However, the paper towel dispenser was empty so score one for me!
Just as I was about to snap a picture though, some guy entered with his young daughter, so I just left.
Of course, it didn’t take very long for me to find a woman wearing super short shorts and a shirt that was 3 sizes too small. As I tried to determine my best approach to getting her picture to show you, she smiled and started flirting. Uh oh.
This was bad on multiple levels. First, she wasn’t my type. Secondly, I realized that I should have put “gold or missing teeth” on the board. This could have been a 2 for 1 special!
Anyway, the “photographic proof” aspect of this mission was becomming a disaster, so I decided to put the camera away and just focus on my training!
You’ll just have to take my word for it that I completed the task, but I did! My BINGO ran diagonally from top left to bottom right on the blue card. It took about 25 minutes to complete.
Give it a shot and post your results in the comments below!
So yeah, that completes my training journal so far, but before we close this out, here are a few items that I purchased before I left!
First up was this green ketchup aka Slime Sauce that honestly looks like something an alien would put on it’s tater tots.
This strange concoction was a collaboration between Walmart and Nickelodeon who’s famous for “sliming” people.
Oh yeah, that reminds me! If you didn’t know, they brought the game show Double Dare back to their network! How cool is that? I used to want to go on that show so badly as a kid! Actually…I still do!
Anyway, as for this alien ketchup…
The Verdict: Judged independently and based strictly on flavor, it’s great! It honestly tastes just like regular ketchup despite it’s crazy appearance!
Red is one of my favorite colors and I’m used to seeing it when I dip my fries so I could never wrap my brain around this neon slime color enough to make it my default choice! As a change of pace or to occasionally weird people out though? Absolutely!
The reason I made a disclaimer before praising the taste is because of the ingredients.
When compared to regular ketchup, the stats on this version are surprisingly solid! It has low calories, no fat and no cholesterol!
My reluctance to fully endorse this is because I switched from regular ketchup several years ago to all-natural versions without the artificial chemicals and high fructose corn syrup. That’s obviously an unfair comparison but if they ever find a way to make this with real ingredients, I’d be even more impressed!
With that said, Nickelodeon Slime Sauce tastes awesome and is fun to look at. If you have kids or anyone as immature as I am in your household, I’m sure they’ll love it!
I’m really looking forward to freaking people out at the next barbeque I attend!
Last but not least, we also have Oreos with alien green filling! These are the new pistachio flavored Thins that came out a few weeks ago. Ha, “Thins.” Don’t let that label fool you, these definitely aren’t healthy!
Let’s see how they taste though.
The solar eclipse shirt paired with a Dark Knight (night) hat with 2 round cookies shaped like the sun and the moon… see what I did there? 😉
The Verdict: Hmm, these are hard to describe. I mean, pistachios don’t have a very strong flavor so you mostly taste the chocolate cookie followed by a strange aftertaste.
I’m still struggling to paint this picture for you. Wait, okay I’ve got it. Have you ever missed a piece of plastic on a candy cane and ended up chewing it too? Okay, that’s the aftertaste.
Despite that analogy, they’re not terrible, they’re just not special either. Blah. If you want to satisfy your Oreo fix, just get the original instead.
But look! It came with a free candy bar so that’s kind of cool! Not for my Space Force training, but in general, yes. Believe it or not, I’ve never had one of these before so let’s also give it a shot!
The Verdict: Oh wow, that’s pretty good! It tastes like a cream-filled Twix bar! No plastic aftertaste this time! Anyway, we’re running long here so maestro, cue the music…
Do you have another food item, restaurant or recipe we should try? Tell us about it in the comments below!
Let’s Dance – Lady Gaga
Cha Cha Slide – DJ Casper
Apache (Jump On It) – Sugarhill Gang
Walk it Out – DJ Unk
Do you have another song that fits today’s themes or that’s just so good we should check it out anyway? Tell us in the comments below!
Okay folks, before we go, here’s your list of foodie holidays that fall between this and next post!
Chocolate pudding and ginger snaps eh? I’ll take it!
We also have July 4th coming up next Wednesday but I’m guessing many of you will travel this weekend? It’s always weird when holidays fall in the middle of the week. Hmm, I’ll still save my “Happy 4th” wishes for next week since it’s close to the actual day though.
Earlier I mentioned that Astronaut Ice Cream. It’s available on Amazon so make sure to check out our Deals and Discounts page before clicking over to shop! Oh, and if you end up going to Walmart, don’t forget your Bingo cards!
Here’s another quick reminder to follow me on social media by clicking the icons on the side panel!
Speaking of social media, Salt-N-Pepa showed more love again this week by sharing my Instagram post on their page! Check it out:
How cool is that? I’ve been a huge fan of theirs since day one, so these past few weeks have been pretty amazing!
If you haven’t checked out my review of their concert a few weeks ago, you can check it out by clicking here.
Anyway, that about does it for this week but please make sure to leave a comment before you go! It’s always great to hear from you.
Hopefully you have a long weekend coming up but either way hang in there, you’ve got this!
Until next time my friends, May the Fork be With You,
“The person that doesn’t risk anything, risks everything…”