If you think these cover photos look ridiculous online, you should have seen the stares I received at the grocery store!

And how about the fine craftsmanship on that t-shirt, huh? I know. Thank you, thank you. 😊

I also considered throwing on one of those striped uniforms they used to wear at “Hot Dog on a Stick” locations where dirty old men would sit in the food court and ogle the young girls making lemonade back in the day. Creepers.

That reminds me, look at this van I spotted a few minutes ago!

Wowsa! How creepy is that thing?!

Harvey? Is that you? “Jared Fogle says what?”

I was legitimately surprised the license plate wasn’t “SX-OFNDR.”

I made sure to stay clear of that thing! Although, if it had a sign that said “free pizza” I’d at least be tempted to hop inside and take my chances…

I was legitimately surprised the license plate wasn’t “SX-OFNDR.” – Fat Darrell

Anyway, what’s up everybody? Welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza!

Hopefully you had a great Memorial Day! Paid time off and BBQ’s are great and all, but please remember the true meaning behind the holiday. Many lives were lost so you could suck down wine coolers and racks on racks on racks of ribs all weekend. With that said, shout out to all the troops who made the ultimate sacrifice. We salute you. HOORAH!

I’m often mistakenly identified as an active military officer myself, but nope! The closest I’ve come to that was my stint working for the US Department of Defense. I get it though. I mean, I have a buzzcut, I’m in decent shape and I occasionally have a Napoleon complex, so it makes sense but that’s all strictly coincidental…

Oh yeah, in case you’re confused (or live outside of the United States), this should help explain the difference between Memorial and Veteran’s Day. Because you know, a good “edumacation” is important and stuff… #themoreyouknow

Anyway, my prior comment about ribs just reminded me how handy that extendable fork was this past weekend!

I’m also happy to report that the bully birds have not returned…. or, at least not yet. I think they might have actually given me a pass this time!

As for the GPS lady? Unfortunately, she’s still giving me plenty of attitude. I have no idea what her problem is. Like I said last post, it’s complicated.

Perhaps she’s been overworked lately? My new side hustle requires a lot more driving than usual, so I’ve been in constant need of directions.

I suppose it’s natural to get cranky when you’re being pushed too hard. I can relate. I’m tired too! It’s been a long day. Eh, who am I kidding, it’s been a long decade!

As an ENTJ Scorpio raised in New Jersey, I’m naturally wired with a short fuse, but I’ve learned to suppress my inner a-hole over the years. Perhaps when things slow down a bit, I should take a vacation because lately, I’ve found myself even more annoyed by little things than usual.

Like at a movie theater with a thousand empty seats, why do people always feel the need to sit right next to me? Or even worse, in the bathroom with a billion empty urinals? I don’t need a “pee-pee companion” to cheer me on!

Or these annoying people who want to ride next to me the entire time on an empty highway like we’re Iceman and Maverick in Top Gun or something.

I speed up, they speed up. I slow down, they slow down. You can’t shake ‘em. Nope, they just want to ride right beside me for miles and miles like we’re Interstate besties.

Oh, and those of you who say Texas instead of “texts”? Ugh, cut it out. I’ve never understood that…but I hate it!

I’ve also gotten more selective with who I accept on Facebook now too. Seriously, I’m tired of seeing these annoyingly long ghetto fabtastic names like “Rob ‘Jumping Jack Jimmy Johns’ Jenkins and “Pam ‘Hot Cheetos Makin Money Move$’ Morrison.” Enough! …. says “Fat Darrell” (the irony, eh?)

Half of my recent requests have been from scammers anyway though. Oh, and not even creative ones! I swear the last guy’s name was so fake it might as well have been “Ayam Notrussianspyski.”

“I swear the last guy’s name was so fake it might as well have been ‘Ayam Notrussianspyski.’” – Fat Darrell

I used to have an open acceptance policy but enough of that.

I can no longer be like that dude Tom from Myspace back in the day.

Remember that guy? I swear, he was friends with literally every single member!

With that many friends though, you’d think someone could have loaned him a new white tee or something. 

Seriously though!  He had the same crusty shirt on for the entire lifespan of that platform.

I could continue listing things that annoy me but the true key to happiness is to stop dwelling on the things you hate and instead focus on the things you love, right? At least, that’s what Julie Andrews says in that “My Favorite Things” song. Although I’ve admittedly never seen The Sound of Music (*gasp!) so hopefully that worked out for her.

That movie came out in 1965 so I suppose it was a simpler time because her list seems a little boring for my tastes.

Don’t get me wrong, I mean, “raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens” are nice and all but if a dog bit me and a bee stung me in the same day, I don’t think wet flowers and cat hair would be enough to snap me out of my funk.

I do like the concept though so allow me to tweak these lyrics a bit. Let’s see…

My Favorite Things…the Darrell remix

Ice cream and Oreos, Pepperoni on pizza,
Burritos and tacos and trips to Ibiza,
90’s hip-hop and the way Sade sings,
These are a few of my favorite things…

Hmm, I’ll have to finish the rest later but that’s already putting me in a much happier place than copper kettles and wool mittens ever would!

 But you see, that’s the key to life right there. You have to focus on the good and try to let the bad go. If you’re wired the way I am, that’s easier said than done, but these 2 memes make valid points:

That’s right, sometimes you just have to say “woosah” and move on ya know?

Put some “woosah-bi” on it! Mmm…wasabi… great, now I want sushi. Where was I again?

Oh yeah, that same philosophy applies to situations as well. “It” Happens ya know?

Everyone experiences rough patches and setbacks at times.

I can’t remember if it was Joel Osteen or another random meme who made the next analogy first, but the premise was that setbacks are like an arrow being prepared to launch from a bow.

The further back the arrow is pulled, the further it can launch forward. So, based on the month I’m having, I’m apparently being prepped for a trip to the moon y’all! Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to take pics…

Social media paints a distorted view of the real world though.

People don’t typically show you the uglier sides of their lives but don’t be fooled, everybody has challenges.

That’s great to keep in mind to help you show compassion when someone’s acting like a jerk.

That should also help you show compassion to yourself once you realize it’s impossible to be perfect all the time and nobody should expect you to be.

Sorry to “Dr. Phil” you for so long but I know several people who needed to read that.

Anyway, as my goofy cover photos illustrated, life is going to occasionally hand you some lemons.  It’s up to you to learn from each situation and make the tastiest lemonade possible.

Do you have a mental or physical fitness question, goal or accomplishment you’d like to share? Tell us about it in the comments below!

This would have been the perfect spot to segue into my coverage of The Atlanta Emoji Art Show to raise awareness for mental health through art and music.

The event featured live body painting, local artists, DJ sets and emoji themed desserts!

Unfortunately, life and the weather both threw me a few lemons, so I wasn’t able to make it.

Hopefully they hold another one though because as you can tell from our upside-down smiley face mascot, I love emojis!

I’ve been down with emojis since they first popped up as “emoticons” on MSN Messenger back in the day so yeah, I’m an OG. I speak fluent emoji. Hmm, perhaps it’s time to update the skills section on my Linkedin Profile?

Anyway, I obviously don’t have photos from the event since I had to cancel. However, I can still show you the outfit I had planned to wear!

Next year perhaps. Although I hope to have an upside down smiley face tie instead by then…

So, that covers the emoji half of the equation. See? I’m making lemonade over here folks!

As for the art? Hmm, okay, here’s a collection we’ll call “Idiot Poses with Large Candy.”

Enjoy.

Ha, 3 feet of Twix?! Could you imagine? I hope my little nephew Domonick doesn’t see this one, he’d probably eat himself into a coma if he saw those!

This “Hangry First Aid Kit” is hilarious too!

Don’t laugh but I actually have an emergency snack stash that I take whenever I leave the house. You wouldn’t like me when I’m hangry… #HulkSmash

Anyway, I found this crazy stuff at FYE. Check it out, they even have gummy snacks!

Hmm, okay, I may have to at least send Domonick that WWE belt! Or better yet, I’ll wait and give it to him in person so I can hopefully eat some too! Sharing is caring Dom. 😉

And yes, those are Vanilla Ice lyrics on my shirt! I already showed that tee during the 90’s Fashion show post though but if you’d like to check out that full write up, click here!

Although these futuristic sugary snacks are great and all, I can’t stop thinking about the past!

That’s right, last post I retried circus peanuts again as an “adult” and also shared this meme:

That prompted a discussion on my social media pages (which you should follow by clicking the logos on the main menu) about how far a dollar could go as a kid back then.

And a $5 bill? OMG, you could make it rain snacks on snacks on snacks with that kind of loot!

I’m talking Dippin Dots (25 cents), Fun Dip (25 cents), a deli pickle (75 cents), Bazooka Joe gum (5 cents), Hostess cupcakes (50 cents)! You’d just be getting started back in the 90’s! That’s already 5 items without even spending $2 yet!

Granted, it makes me feel old AF talking about how much cheaper things were “back in my day” but it’s true!

That got me thinking though (which is always scary…), how far could a kid get with $5 now? Seriously, if I threw my nephew a $5 bill, what kind of haul could he bring home?

Of course, this was all hypothetical at first…that’s until I passed the candy aisle while I was grocery shopping and spotted those little cola bottle gummies. No, not the wax bottles with the mystery juice inside, I’m talking about these:

 

Anyway, I hadn’t had them since I was a kid so I threw them in the cart and suddenly the $5 challenge was on!

Crazy thing though, this tiny bag of gummies already set me back $1! Geez.

Since I’d already broken the seal and had an excuse to buy a bunch of crap, I decided to fully commit to this idea and  “the regression feast” was officially on!

I zipped through the store to find those Hostess cupcakes and the apple pies I used to enjoy so much!

I couldn’t remember whether they were a quarter or 50 cents back in the day but either way, they were must-haves.

To my surprise however, they too were each a dollar!

What? $3 down and only 3 items in the cart? What a rip-off.

Since I already had 2 pastries, I was about to head back to the gum and candy section, but then I spotted chocolate Twinkies! Wait, what?! I don’t eat stuff like this very often, when did this magical creation happen?

This I had to try! So yeah, there goes another buck.

So, $4 deep and still only 4 items. I scoured every section even the penny candy and could find nothing less than a dollar. It was insane!

With that said, the conclusion of this experiment had 2 possible outcomes.

Based on the official rules, I only had $5 to spend which would have technically included taxes. I was able to find a bottle of cranberry juice to wash this junk down for only 50 cents. So, by the letter of the law, that’s the haul with 18 cents going back to the piggy bank.

Scenario 2 was my search for those spreadable cheese and crackers they used to sell individually for a quarter but now they only had packs of 5 for $1.30. Even without the drink, that already sent me 30 cents over budget before taxes!

Even if I relied on the “take a penny/leave a penny” cup at Dom’s Deli (my junk food “dealer” of choice back in the day), we’re talking 65 cents!

Most likely someone would have hooked me up back then, but still, based on the official rules, that’s a DQ and I would have had to leave the cheese behind in favor of the juice. ☹

How lame was that?

Even the “penny candy” cost a dollar!

Of course, this experiment took place at the grocery store so perhaps that was the issue.

With that said, I ran the same experiment at my local Dollar Store. Surely they must have some deals! …or so I thought.

Things started well. They had tiny bags of chips for only 50 cents right out of the gate!

Yaaayyyy!!!!

From that point forward though, literally everything else was a full dollar.

Huh? Aside from vending machines, stores must not sell much for under a buck anymore.

How sad. Kids today already have worse music, crappy cartoons and now this.

Like I always say, the 90’s were better.

That’s not just “hindsight 20/20 speak” either. I knew we had it good even back then!

Real hip-hop. All the shows and movies that are being recreated now were original during that era. We also had a pre 9/11 world with a booming economy. It was great!

Especially as a kid with no bills or real responsibilities? I’d go back to those days in a heartbeat!

All these other kids were in such a rush to grow up and prove they could be adults. I could already tell that being an “adult” would be awful, even back then – and I definitely knew once it actually happened (*based on age, not height or maturity level)!

I graduated from college when I was 20, but my “I’m a big boy now” moment happened at 19 when I signed the lease for my very first apartment. I didn’t have any roommates and my parents were states away.

My first epiphany was when my cable box stopped working. I remember looking around like “now what”?

Back when I lived with my parents, I’d just tell one of them on my way out of the house and hours later, poof! Just like magic, the cable was back up and running! Not this time though.

I remember sitting there glossy eyed on the couch just staring around my apartment in silence. I must have watched that fuzzy pixelated screen for at least 15 minutes before I finally realized that I was going to have to drive all the way to the cable company to swap the box out myself.

3 frustrating hours later, I finally returned home and still had to set up and connect the new cable box without any help.

I’m not the handiest guy but fine, whatever. It seemed fairly straightforward.

As I reached behind the TV though, a roach the size of a pack of gum darted out and sprinted across the living room!

Whoa, whoa, wait, hold up! Who’s supposed to pick that thing up?

“MOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!”

“DAAAAAADDDD???”

….Me. ☹

So, I wasted another 45 minutes chasing that thing around, but I finally got it.

Tired and hungry, I swung the refrigerator door open and realized I’d already eaten most of the “starter stash” of food my parents left me.

“Great. This sucks,” I thought as I eventually found myself stirring the salt from my tears into that pot of ramen noodles…

Aaaaand it only gets worse from there.

Anyhow, congratulations Class of 2018! You made it!

So that conversation about the cola flavored gummies reminded me of a very important question;

How in the blue blazers did my friend Jenni find personalized coke bottles with her kid’s unique names on them but I still can’t find mine?

You’re telling me that “Lennon” and “Astrid” bottles went into production before “Darrell”? Really? Seriously Coke?

You know, Coke’s world headquarters are right here in Atlanta. Everybody else is having marches for various causes, I’m about to find 999,999 more “Darrell’s” and hold a rally of my own!

This is ridiculous but fine, congrats Lennon and Astrid, enjoy your soda. I’ll just keep drinking out of the Darren, David and other close calls until they finally come through with mine. But hey, thanks for nothing Coke!

BREAKING NEWS: Jenni literally just tagged me in a Facebook post with a website that you can apparently order a customized Coke bottle of your own. Aha! So that’s how she did it!

Hmm, but customizing my own still won’t provide the same giddy excitement of randomly spotting my name in a store.

Although I suppose ordering one is easier than assembling an army of Darrell’s for my Million Darrell March idea, so I’ll at least consider it. Anyway, here’s the website if you’d like to check it out for yourself: https://buy.shareacoke.com/personalized-bottle

Since we’re already discussing carbonated drinks, let’s close this out with a quick review of 3 new flavors from the VPX Bang line!

Bang is a ready-to-drinkn (RTD) pre-workout formula that includes creatine and amino acids! Most of the flavors are natural but there is sucralose in these which I personally never recommend in high doses. Compared to most “energy drinks” though, this label is rather impressive!

Although Bang has been around for a while, last month they debuted their Cherry Blade Lemonade flavor which obviously fits today’s theme!

They also rolled out 3 tea options earlier in May including Regular Tea, Georgia Sweet Tea and Lemon Drop Sweet Tea.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the Regular Tea at my local stores but regular is basic and who needs that anyway? Besides, today is all about lemons, so I got the ones I really wanted.

With that said, here’s how they taste!

Georgia Peach Sweet Tea – This does taste a lot like sweet tea but you can definitely taste the vitamins as well.  With that said, it’s not bad, but it may not be everyone’s….cup of tea (surely you saw that coming…)

Lemon Drop Sweet Tea – Again, this isn’t bad either.  You might as well just reread my review for the last one since I feel the same way about this flavor.

Cherry Blade Lemonade – Okay, NOW we’re talking!  This one has bolder flavors plus carbonation so it masks the vitamin taste better than the subdued tea options.

Overall Summary:  Obviously taste is subjective but buyer be warned, if you’re not already used to energy or pre-workout drinks, you might be disappointed.  

Despite my lukewarm review, these aren’t bad by any means.  In a pinch or on long road trips, Bang is one of the few ready-to-drink options I trust to provide a smooth flow of energy without the inevitable crash afterwards.    

Perhaps my high expectations for these 3 flavors were because I recently tried their new(ish) Root Beer option as well and it tasted just like the real thing! 

Although I haven’t tried their full line yet, that is definitely my favorite flavor so far!

These 3 aren’t quite as impressive, but compared to most energy drink and preworkout options, they still taste MUCH better by comparison.  

Do you have another food item, restaurant or recipe we should all try? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Okay, we’re running long – cue the music!

Today’s Soundtrack

99 Problems – Jay-Z

The Lemon Song – Led Zeppelin

Lemonade – Beyonce

Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice (If you’ve got a problem Yo I’ll solve it…)

Lemon – N.E.R.D. ft. Rihanna

Do you have another song that fits today’s themes or that’s just so great we should check it out anyway? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Before we close this one out, here’s the list of foodie holidays that occur between now and next post!

Oh wow, May 29^th is National Biscuit Day? 

I’ve never actually seen my father do a cartwheel before, but he just might try once he hears about this!  What can I say?  The man loves his bread…

Half of our Facebook foodie group, Phenomnomnomenal, will probably do a cartwheel as well when they see that next Monday is National Cheese Day!  Here’s looking at you Cheffess… 😉

Hmm, in the interest of flatulence, I’m not sure that National Cheese Day should be so close to National Eggs Day though.  Especially when June is also National Dairy month!

Oh my… 

I can imagine this being a problem but hey, what do I know?  I’m not on the National Food Day naming committee… yet.

Anyway, that about does it for this week folks.  If you enjoyed this post, please hit that like button on the bottom of the page and leave a comment before you go! 

Now run along.  It’s time to go make some lemonade….

Until next time my friends, May the Fork be With You!

-Darrell

“I have learned 2 very important things in life.  I don’t remember the first one, but the second one is ‘write everything down.'”