Man, I’d need to hit Vegas with a lucky hand like that! If you think Rosanne’s laugh is obnoxious during the opening credits as she takes all the chips, I’m sure mine would be twice as loud!

Hmm, I’ll have to look up the official rules of poker again. Do any of you know if the King of Pop beats the Queen of Spades?

Since I already shared my MJ Thriller Zombie tee in the “Tooth Fairy Owes Me $17,429 – How Bow Dah” post, I won’t go into much detail about it again here. If you want your own though, you can use our discount code DOUBLEFML to save 10% off your order at BelovedShirts.com!

As for the giant deck of cards, you can get those at Amazon via our affiliate link by clicking here -> https://amzn.to/2rWPkak

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These cards are hilarious though, they’re literally the size of a sheet of paper! It’s good to know that if my eyesight continues along its current path, I’ll still be able to play spades in the nursing home someday.

I haven’t played in ages though, so I’d better sharpen my skills. The way the Medicare and social security budgets are looking, that might be a more reliable retirement plan by the time I’m eligible.

Although with reduced motor skills and the size of those cards, it might take an hour just to shuffle the deck.

So anyway, I almost ran over a bird yesterday. Huh? No, seriously. Let that sink in for a minute.

No, I wasn’t flying a plane genius and no, it wasn’t a duck.

Don’t worry, he was okay. He just ended up going under my car, but I didn’t actually hit him. I know that because I saw him flying away in my rearview mirror, but it was still odd to see a regular bird walking across a major highway.

I’ve been saying for years that birds seem to be flying lower to the ground lately, like Woodstock in the Charlie Brown specials. This however, was pushing laziness to new heights! …or should I say new lows?

I’ll never understand why you’d choose to walk when you can fly. Perhaps there’s a deep metaphor about slowing down to enjoy the moment that I should extract from this situation…although the counterpoint is how close he came to becoming my new hood ornament.

Either way, I’m just glad he survived. If you read my “This One is For the Birds” post, you’ll see what happened the last time I encountered some “angry birds.”

Hopefully I’m still on their good side after this situation, although I coincidentally had bird crap on my car door and windows several hours later, so we’ll see how this plays out…

If I’ve angered these birds again though, you can just ad them to the list because I’ve apparently pissed off the GPS lady in my Google Maps app too.

Yes, I know, it’s just a computer program but I still think she’s mad. Last week, after she told me to “turn left” I shouted, “you’re not the boss of me” and turned right since I needed to stop for gas.

Ha Ha, I know. Playful funny moment, right? But every since that day, the app does this thing where it leaves me hanging for the first several minutes of each trip. Or it uses condescending terms like “head southeast” toward whatever random road it magically expects me to know instead of just saying “turn left here.”

It’s like it’s trying to prove who’s smarter ever since I dared to challenge it.

Of course, I don’t know “Southeast” or “Northwest” or any geographical directions most of the time. I’d barely know that even if I had a compass, so I surely wouldn’t know from analyzing the angle of the sun as it passes over Chipotle. Who do I look like? Magellan?

So of course, I guess the wrong direction 9 out or 10 times and have to pull an immediate U-Turn as the GPS lady just laughs and laughs.

Okay, well, she doesn’t actually laugh but her snooty little British accent just reeks of shade. I’m fairly certain that if she could reprogram herself to say “dummy” after “recalculating” she totally would. Anyway, we’re not on good terms right now. It’s complicated.

Perhaps I should download a different GPS virtual assistant until she cools off. I almost considered switching the setting to German instead, but that language is so rough, it would feel like I’m being yelled at the entire trip!

Wait, hold up fun police and social justice warriors! Before you type that hate mail and start organizing your march, yes, I am “allowed to say that.”

I’m actually part German if you didn’t know.

Yep, that’s right. My grandfather, the legendary Woodrow Dantzler, was half German… so Ha!

Guten tag silly rabbit. You may now commence the unbunching of your panties. I’ve got a hall pass.

However, for future reference, please refer to the following recipe:

How to make a Darrell

Cook time:  approx. 9 Months / Prep Time:  Not going there…

serving size:  fun size

*Darrell may be extra salty especially early mornings…

Instructions:

Take a dash of German

Add a pinch of Native American

Ad black, black, black, black, black and stir.

“How to make a Darrell: Take a dash of German. Add a pinch of Native American. Ad black, black, black, black, black and stir.” – Fat Darrell

I actually wish that Matthew McConaughey could provide my GPS voice-over though. Have you seen these new “Quiet Tranquility” commercials? They’re so calming! It’s like a 30-second yoga class or something. Although his voice might put me to sleep during long drives so that’s probably a bad idea. Who knows how many birds I’d run over then…

Morgan Freeman would be a great option. He’s played the role of God in so many movies I’d have no choice but to listen to every direction!

“Turn left or your soul will face eternal damnation.”

Geez, calm down Morgan! It’s not that serious. I’m just trying to get to Target.

Although celebrity GPS voiceovers aren’t a legit option yet, it’s still fun to think of who I’d choose.

Michael Keaton or Christian Bale could provide a Batman option. The K.I.T.T. voice from Knight Rider would be fun too. Although I’d probably end up speeding with either of those choices.

Sophia Vergara is my imaginary celebrity bae (or at least one of them), but between not fully understanding certain words through her thick Colombian accent and the constant yelling, that might also cause a problem.

Oh wait, the Amazon Alexa Super Bowl commercial already explored this idea! I forgot about that.

Ha, Gordan Ramsay was one of my favorites from that ad! This random topic began with me running away from a condescending British tyrant though, so I’d end up in the same situation but with more insults and profanity.

Anyway, I’ve wasted more than enough space on this topic so for now, my pick is Cardi B to provide the voiceover.

Granted, I’d probably never make it to the right destination or I’d end up on Mars or something, but hey, at least it would be a fun ride with a great soundtrack…

Oh yeah, speaking of accents, did any of you get up early to watch the royal wedding?

Although I wish the happy couple well, that was way too early to bother waking up for, especially on a weekend.

I’d say I’ll watch the replay, but that would be a lie. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

Besides, the only royal wedding I ever found myself emotionally invested in was when “The Macho Man” Randy Savage married Miss Elizabeth in WWE. Oooh Yeaaaaah!

Well, that and Prince Akeem’s wedding in Coming To America…

My buddy Jimmy Z had a different take on this past weekend’s festivities though. Here’s what he posted!

He’s got a point! I’ve had women clown me for watching superhero flicks or the aforementioned WWE because “it’s so fake” yet they religiously watch every season of “The Bachelor”? Potato-potato, tomato-tomato eh? Pot, meet kettle.

Like I said though, I’m happy for the royal couple!

It’s also cool there’s a little more flavor in the palace now 😉

But wow, did you hear about some of the things Meghan Markle had to sacrifice before becoming royalty? Aside from giving up her acting career and social media accounts, she also had to provide a public list of every relationship she’s ever had so there aren’t any surprises in the future.

Oh wow, could you imagine?! I guess that’s a small and fair price to pay for becoming a member of The Royal Family though. So, if the world has to know that you gave it up to Bobby the busboy at Chilis for a free Presidente Margarita then so be it I suppose. Ole!

That reminds me, while we’re discussing drinks, shout out to Pippa Middleton who apparently loves Arizona Iced Tea just as much as I do!

Now THAT’s what I call a “Boston Tea Party.”

Hmm, apparently the trend is already catching on… Who wore it better?  Comment below!

Too bad Pippa’s already married, my pizza tank top would have looked amazing under a tuxedo jacket as her date.

Although she’s pretty, I’m obviously kidding because I wouldn’t know how to behave surrounded by all that food at the event! Did you see that menu? OMG! Check it out:

I hear the meals are rather bland over there though, so I’d probably have to sneak in a bottle of hot sauce…although I’d imagine one of Meghan’s relatives probably would have been able to hook me up…

Hey, I’m allowed to say that too remember?! Please refer to the recipe posted above.

Even though they already have around 8 forks next to each plate at fancy dinners like this, I’d still bring a 9th of my own.

This one to be exact:

May the fork be with you…

Could you imagine me swiping Prince Harry’s poached chicken off his plate with my extendable fork as I walked by?

“Congratulations your majesty! Um…are you going to finish your Crème Brulee?”

God save The Queen…and room for dessert.

Wow, this fork discussion just gave me flashbacks to when every house had those giant wooden fork and spoons on the wall back in the day!

I’m fairly certain we had a set in my childhood home until my parents took them down. I’ll have to check if they still have them stored somewhere! I’d proudly display them in their full retro tacky glory right over my kitchen table.

Although that close to where I eat might tempt me to actually use them… either way, I’m calling my parents as soon as I finish typing this!

While we’re talking about amazing utensils though, you know who doesn’t truly get the respect that he deserves? The creator of the spork, Samuel W. Francis.

Seriously, it’s a spoon and a fork at the same time y’all. Am I going to eat these tater tots or a bowl of soup? You just don’t know! It’s crazy!

“It’s a spoon and a fork at the same time y’all. Am I going to eat these tater tots or a bowl of soup? You just don’t know! It’s crazy!” – Fat Darrell

Yet only a few fast food restaurants like KFC and Taco Bell truly show the spork any love and I find that kind of sad.

Sure, grabbing anything with the fork teeth is rather difficult. Cutting through a chicken cutlet also takes an hour and requires the arm strength of a grizzly bear. I’ll also concede that liquids are trickier to hold on the spoon surface than solids but still, I see your vision Mr. Francis and for that, I salute you good sir.

“Good sir.” Ha…”Sir Francis” actually sounds pretty important. Sir Francis, Knight of cutlery at the Round Table.

That reminds me, did you know that Meghan Markle isn’t allowed to be called “Princess Meghan” since she doesn’t have “royal blood”? Instead she’s now referred to as “the Duchess of Sussex” which is cool and all I suppose, but “the Duchess of Deals or No Deals” would have been catchier. Whatevs.

I don’t anticipate marrying into royalty but hopefully they’d allow me to choose my own title. Like “The Crown Prince of Fat Sandwiches” or something.

I’ve also been called a “Royal pain in the ass” numerous times, so I suppose there’s always that…

If I’m ever at a royal wedding though, my guess is that I wouldn’t be the groom, I’d probably be the entertainment. Like a court jester or a clown or something.

Oh, wait, speaking of clowns that reminds me of the circus – or more specifically, look what I bought!

I recently posted about how gross these were in our Facebook foodie group, Phenomnomnomenal (click here to join now) and passionate circus peanuts fans came rushing to defend them (here’s looking at you Tecia, Marilyn and Jimmy)!

Wow, I had no idea these were still so popular!

The last time I had them was in grade school, so I honestly don’t remember how they taste.

However, I do remember my disappointment whenever these ended up in my Halloween candy stash.

Along with candy corn and pennies, these were always a Trick-or-treat buzzkill.

During my “Darrell’s Disgusting Banned Foods List,” I revisited foods that I hated as a kid to see whether my palette has changed as an adult. Although these weren’t included on the original list, perhaps they should have been.

With all the hype surrounding these in Phenomnomnomenal lately though, it’s about time I give these another try.

First impressions: Well I definitely appreciate the nutrition label more now that I’m an “adult” (*based on age not necessarily height or maturity level). They’re gluten, fat and cholesterol free so wow. As far as candy goes, these are fairly healthy.

I’m also impressed visually as they actually made these look like real peanuts! Wow, okay, the sight of these definitely brings me back. I should have bought some “quarter water” to wash these down with (if you know what I’m talking about, congrats, your childhood was awesome)!

But ah, okay there’s that smell that I remember.

Okay, I’ve now figured out why I was iffy about these. What was that prescription medication they always tried to mask with the fake bubble gum flavoring? Amoxicillin? Ugh, yeah, I hated that stuff as a kid and this scent is definitely reminding me of it. Or that nasty bubble gum flavored fluoride tray at my childhood dental office. Gross.

Anyway, suppressed childhood trauma aside, let’s taste these shall we?

Final Verdict: Hmm…okay these aren’t bad at all. I like the hard marshmallow consistency. The chewy texture and scent really does remind of bubble gum. I couldn’t picture myself ever craving these but perhaps I’m wrong about that since I’ve already had 3 since I opened the bag.

I suppose my first impression of these as a kid was tainted by the fact they were competing with a bag full of Snickers, Jolly Ranchers and other goodies from my Halloween candy stash. That was hefty competition.

Judged independently as an “adult” though, I no longer hate these.

With that said, Circus Peanuts are officially pardoned from the Darrell’s Disgusting Foods list!

With the fairly clean nutrition label, I may start taking these on road trips along with the rest of the “keep me awake but don’t make me fat” section of my snack stash. I currently don’t mind these but I have a feeling that I’m going to love these soon so I suppose I owe my Phenomnomnomenal foodie crew an apology. Clearly, I was wrong.

Do you have another food item, restaurant or recipe we should all try? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Oh yeah, I know you wanted a closer look at that t-shirt so here ya go:

“What you talkin’ bout Willis?”

Mystery solved.

Ah, that brings me back too though. Now I’m really craving quarter water…

Considering today’s title is “Royal Flush” and all, let’s talk about Fiber y’all! Aside from normalizing your bowel movements, fiber also assists your body in removing toxins. Fiber also plays a role in regulating blood sugar, cholesterol levels and even weight management!

Try incorporating fiber-rich beans, whole grains and vegetables into your meals each day. There are also powders and shakes that can help.

The Mayo Clinic (which would be an awesome name for a sub shop…) recommends that men under 50 have 38 grams of fiber per day. Men over 50 should have 30 grams. Women under 50 should have 25 grams of fiber per day and women over 50 should have 21 grams.

If these numbers are much higher than you’re used to, you may want to gradually work your way up so that your body has time to adjust.

If you’re the “go big or go home” type and want to just go straight to the full amount overnight though, I’d recommend temporarily holding off any long road trips and keeping your phone charged or a supply of magazines handy in your bathroom!

Either way though, it’s worth it.

Do you have a fitness question, goal or accomplishment you’d like to share? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Today’s Soundtrack

Poker Face – Lady Gaga

Ace of Spades – Motorhead

London Bridge – Fergie (from her album The Dutchess)

I Like it Like That – Cardi B ft Bad Bunny and J. Balvin

Coming to America – The System

Do you have another song that fits today’s themes or that’s just so good we should check it out anyway? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Okay folks, before we wrap this up, I’d like to give a Happy Birthday shout out to my Dad!  Batman may be my favorite fictional character, but my father is a real-life superhero! 

Here’s to many more Pops.  Enjoy your traditional cornbread and milk combo (that’s seriously what he requests every year lol true story)!

As for the foodie holidays being celebrated this week, here’s your list:

Wow, they’re really specific with that National Grape Popsicle Day huh?!  I also know a few people who have been training for National Wine Day all year so Friday could get ugly! 

Most of us in The States also have a nice 3-Day weekend for Memorial Day coming up so I’ll definitely need that extendable fork as I drive around crashing BBQ’s! 

I also hope to drop by the Atlanta Caribbean Festival, The Emoji Art Show (yes, this is actually a thing) and I still need to check out Deadpool 2.  What do you all have planned?  Share in the comments below so I can steal your ideas!

Actually, share anything in the comments below – it’s always great to hear from you. #SEOmatters 😉

Okay folks, that’s a wrap.  It’s time to go earn that holiday weekend so there’s work to be done. 

In the meantime, I wish you love, peace and tacos.  Let’s make it a great week people!

Until next time my friends, May the Fork be With You…

-Darrell

ps.  It’s Laurel.  *mic drop*