Slicing and Dicing

If you’re a fan of old school 80’s and early 90’s WWE wrestling, you may have recognized that homage to Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake in the cover photo! You can only imagine the strange stares I got in Home Depot when I took those pictures…

007_Summer-Slam-01.0And yes, Brutus had the “intimidating” fighting persona of a hairstylist. I know, bone-chilling right? Although I was on the receiving end of a few scary haircuts back in the day before I adapted my current aerodynamic “Mr. Clean” look.

But yeah, WWE also had a guy who was a dentist and yet another who was a tax collector. Because dentists and accountants are known for being tough guys, right? Ah, the 80’s were a simpler time my friends…

Oh yeah, before we move on, here’s an unobstructed view of that tee!

WARNING: “Duck face selfies” are NEVER a good idea – especially when you’re a straight male and have lips as big as mine! Do not try this at home kids, I’m a professional…

I tried to ignore this shirt and just walk by it in the store like a normal functioning adult would but come on, it’s a pug making it rain bacon! How do you ignore that? It’s incredible!

Plus, the longer you stare at it, the more randomness there is to be found. Did you even notice the cat wiping out his skateboard on the dog’s tank top? Ha I love it! #NoRegrets

Anyway, welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza! Hopefully none of you had a trip planned to a National Park this past weekend. If so, that probably didn’t happen since the government was officially shut down. Which is likely to happen again since the resolution may only be a temporary fix.bfbc6b10c82f9780f57341fd7533c0e4

But don’t worry, even during shutdowns, all the members of Congress still get paid their enormous overinflated salaries so everything is cool.

I mean, regular government employees and heroic military veterans are still screwed when shutdowns happen but have no fear, your local congressional representatives will always still be able to afford their weekly spa treatments and chai tea lattes so it’s all good.

Screenshot_20180122-233440How does an entire government just shut down anyway?  That’s ridiculous.  You can’t just flip over a sign that says “we’re closed” like it’s a lemonade stand or Lucy’s advice shop in the Peanuts comic strips or something.  There are literally lives at stake!

Since the opposite of pro is con, logically speaking, the opposite of progress is Congress, right? Sounds appropriate to me! Anyway, moving on… (like I mentioned last post, we don’t go heavy on politics here since my goal is to provide a brief escape from all of that)

That cover photo actually reminded me to show you these cool scissors that I have.

Wait! Don’t leave! I know that the words “cool” and “scissors” go as well together as “intimidating” and “hairstylist” do (unless you read Sweeney Todd…).

That set up was about as exciting as somebody telling you to check out how badass their new retainer is but trust me, these are actually cool!

I’ve had these things for at least 20 years and I’ve never sharpened them, yet they still cut through pennies! I have no idea why you’d want to do that, but whatever, look (video demonstration below)!

Actually, these scissors will cut through just about anything that you can close them around. Plus, the 2 sides separate if you ever want to look like a psycho wolf hunter or something. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing…

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I actually got these in my demo kit when I was working this lame “network marketing” job selling kitchen knives. I hated that gig so it didn’t last long, but, again, the scissors are cool!

I’m not bashing all “network marketing” gigs. There are some quality products I’ve seen ranging from supplement companies to makeup brands, that are fairly priced and legit. These companies, however, are few and far between!

Most are like this kitchen cutlery company that I did a brief stint with. Grossly overpriced and not a great value. Worst of all, your “network” starts with family and friends who they want you to pressure to pay $250 for the “cheapest” set of 4 knives that you could just pick up at Target for around $10.

my-kid-brought-home-a-school-fundraiser-packet-in-case-27563869 (2)It’s just like these school fundraisers where they have innocent kids try and sell you $20 candles, $25 popcorn tins or pay $30 for a sheet or wrapping paper the size of a sheet of toilet paper.

My friend’s daughter even hustled me into paying $25 for 4 disgusting mini-pizzas that I could have gotten at the grocery store for $5 but it’s all well and good when it’s for charity and a cute kid is asking you. As an adult though? Not so much…unless said adult is selling Girl Scout Cookies, then yeah, I’m down. But again, those are high quality and a good value.

Seriously, as you tear through that second sleeve of Samoas, there’s never any financial remorse. Dietary remorse perhaps, but nobody ever regrets paying for Girl Scout cookies. If anything, they’re just excited when their order arrives! It’s a good deal and everybody wins.

Asking my parents to pay $500 for a kitchen set they never used didn’t feel so great though…especially in hindsight since I could have just cut out the middle man and asked for the $500 directly instead!

When my friend’s sweet little grandmother was on the verge of tears because she could barely afford the “cheapest” set of knives from me after I finished my goofy sales presentation, I knew that my days of pimping overpriced kitchen knives were numbered. I couldn’t keep doing this to people…especially friends and loved ones!

Oh, and worst of all, they asked you to pressure each person into providing you with the name of 5 friends who you could harass next. Because you know, misery loves company.

Blah. Not for me but hey, to each his own, eh?

Perhaps I’ll consider the network marketing thing again someday, but only if I fully believe in the product. Until then, at least these scissors are cool, right? See? I told you so.

Of course, that was then and this is now so check out this incredible apple slicer that I purchased on Amazon the other day. Again, I know that an “apple slicer” doesn’t sound exciting but look (video demonstration below)!

How cool is that?! Seriously, that wasn’t trick photography or anything, it really is that easy!

It’s from this company OXO. I’ll have to see what else they make because this thing is amazing! Here’s our affiliate link to find it on Amazon if you’re interested. Remember, you still get the same great savings and low prices when you use our link, we just take a small commission for referring you so thanks for your support!

This apple slicer is really going to come in handy now that I discovered that dessert hummus I told you about last post. Have you tried it yet? Since then, I also tried the Snickerdoodle flavor now and I can confirm that it’s good too! Brownie batter is still my personal favorite so far though.

I swear, that Hello Kitty stuffed animal on the couch behind me is “new bae’s” not mine….honest!

And while we’re on the subject of Amazon impulse buys, check out this Batman toaster that I also bought the other day!

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Oh, and that bat-symbol on the side isn’t just for decoration, that’s actually the image that’s burned into the toast! Check it out!

Holy BLT Sammies Batman! This thing is amazing! (If you read my last post, I’m sure you’re worried that more bizarre “bread face” pics are coming but no worries, we’re “bread face free” this week!)

I know that they also make this in Superman and possibly Star Wars. I’m not sure what other options there are but does it matter? Batman is all you need. BAM!

Oh yeah, here’s our affiliate link to check out this toaster on Amazon too.

Amazon is literally my favorite store. It’s just hilarious because there will be days that I come home after going to the grocery store or the mall and I celebrate how little I spent. Then in the blink of an eye, I end up dropping $250 on random stuff on Amazon at 3am! Whoops. Hey #yolo right?

While we’re talking about random things that I saw online, I have to say – I’m not mad at this! Would any of you try it too? I’m down…

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Of course, I am creator of The Fat Darrell Sandwich (<- that’s called “foreshadowing” boys and girls…) so combining crazy ingredients is kind of my thing.

I don’t know if I’m down with this one though. Check out these nails!

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Would any of you do this? Ha, these remind me of Edward Scissorhands! I suppose this could come in handy if you ever forget your car keys though…

As crazy as these look, I actually prefer this nail trend over the hairy selfie nail trend from a few months ago! Check it out…

Ha, the best part is that each nail has a different facial expression! Still, these are pretty creepy. When these show up in your nightmares later, you’re welcome.

Since you can’t unsee that, as a palette cleanser I offer you the following… 

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Hmm, I may have to trick “new bae” into trying one of these…

As a straight male with unpainted fingernails, I have no idea how we ended up discussing this topic for so long but hey, whatever. Hmm, perhaps WWE should have also had “Brutus the Barber Beefcake” do nails instead of just hair to provide a full service salon but I digress. Let’s move on, shall we?

Okay ladies and gentlemen, please join me in celebrating a very special birthday! As I mentioned a few paragraphs ago (for those of you who didn’t know already), I am the creator of ®The Fat Darrell Sandwich which was named as the best sandwich in the nation by Maxim Magazine and has been featured on The Food Network. If you’re unfamiliar, check out our “®Fat Darrell Sandwich” page and “Media Archive” for more background.

Anyway, it was late January 1997 that I invented my namesake creation which means that ®The Fat Darrell Sandwich has now officially turned 21!

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Wow little guy, where does the time go? It seems like it was just yesterday that you were just a newborn sandwich on the campus of Rutgers University. I remember swaddling you in your favorite blanket and feeding you marinara sauce from your favorite bottle but look at you now! You’re officially an adult! 

You’ve travelled the world and done so much already – yet this is only the beginning for you and I couldn’t be prouder.

They really do grow up so fast don’t they?

All jokes aside (yes that really is marinara sauce in that baby bottle), I want to thank all of the passionate fans of the sandwich and everyone who has supported my creation since it’s inception.

21 years and it’s still going strong as a top seller at Rutgers University where it was born “and bread.” (<- see what I did there?)

Although I’ve brought it to a few other states and locations throughout the years, for now, you can only get my official version at Rutgers (it’s often imitated but never duplicated so watch out for cheap imitations!) so make sure to drop by if you’re ever in the area!

I wasn’t kidding about this only being the beginning though so stay tuned! But in the meantime, Happy 21st Birthday ®Fat Darrell Sandwich! You’re now officially old enough to buy alcohol!

Do you have another food item, restaurant or recipe we should all try? Tell us about it in the comments below!  Also make sure to join our foodie group “Phenomnomnomenal” on Facebook by clicking here

mfmI’ll have to give “New Bae” credit for this one because it was her idea…but it’s a good one! To help curb ice cream cravings, she’ll often place the frozen fruit that she uses for smoothies into a bowl and eats it like that. It’s essentially a healthy popsicle that satisfies both sweet and cold cravings.

Pretty clever eh? Just make sure to choose fruit that’s not too high in sugar or you might defeat the purpose.

Berries are always a safe choice, but most others are still fine in moderation.

Most grocery stores also have assorted bags in the frozen foods section so next time you’re there, look for those and save the ice cream for a cheat meal!

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Still more effective than my current health care plan…

And as a second bonus tip, there are a lot of germs going around lately including some horribly wicked version of the flu so if you’re working out at a public gym, make sure to clean your hands and equipment or you just might bring home someone else’s cooties!

Do you have a fitness question or an accomplishment you’d like to share? Tell us in the comments below!

Today’s Soundtrack

Slice – Five for Fighting

Dice – Finley Quaye

Karate Chop – Future ft. Lil Wayne

Bartier Cardi – Cardi B ft 21 Savage (yeah, I know, I used this one a few weeks ago but I love this track!)

Do you have another song that fits today’s themes? How about a song that doesn’t fit today’s theme but is just so amazing we should check it out anyway? Tell us about it in the comments below!

untitledIf you’re still watching the NFL, we now know that our official Super Bowl Matchup will be my former employers, The Philadelphia Eagles, taking on The New England Patriots! 

I was going to wait until it was closer to the big game to drop my prediction but it’s the same one that I’ve been saying all season. 

Actually, I made this prediction immediately after last year’s Super Bowl and it remains unchanged.

My heart is with The Eagles since I worked for their marketing department and my sandwich was sold at their home stadium, but my money would be on The Patriots winning it for the 6th time.

It’s never a smart idea to bet against Tom Brady…at least if you want to actually win said bet.

Anyway, we can talk about this more in a future post but for now, what’s your pick?

Oh yeah, and congrats to the Minnesota Vikings and Jacksonville Jaguars. Those were both tough losses.

Okay everybody, that about does it for this week but before you go, please don’t forget to drop a comment below!

Also make sure to click the social media icons on the side panel to follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and more!

With that said, go carpe the hell out of this diem!

Until next time my friends, May the Fork Be With You…

-Darrell

“What do you call an alligator in a vest?  An Investigator…”

13 thoughts on “Slicing and Dicing

  1. You are hilarious!!! I bet they were keeping a watchful eye on you at Home Depot when you took those pics. I bet they were saying “what the…?” lol Good sales pitch for those items. I want a pair of those scissors! On second thought, why do they split in half?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha, yeah I’m sure there’s some crazy security footage of me out there! I still can’t figure out why the scissors spit in half either…for transport? To sharpen them easier? Either way, they’re cool right?!

      Like

  2. Thanks for this post!! Your bacon tee shirt is spot on….. I see bacon in my future breakfast!!! I really like bacon and I can’t even imagine bacon raining down on me. I would eat myself “silly” lol I can’t believe you found a Batman toaster. That is so you…made for Darrell, the biggest fan in the world! lol

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great tribute to the birthday baby, your “Fat Darrell Sandwich.” Now that we have celebrated him, “let’s eat!” They are the best! When I head to NJ, I am going to have one or two during my time there. I love that apple slicer from Amazon, so guess what? One will be coming my way!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Slicing and Dicing made my day!!!Those nails are “out of sight” and some of them “got to go!” lol. Let us know if your “new bae” agrees to try the Batman nails. You are so-o right. Government shutdown… ridiculous! Love your analogy… the opposite of progress is Congress. Where do we go from here? I can’t wait for the super bowl!!!. I know that the Patriots are”super great” but somehow, here’s hoping the Eagles will “bring it on “put a pause in their success!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah those nails are crazy! Well, not the Batman ones though… we’ll see what happens in the Super Bowl. Smart money is still on The Patriots but hey, any given Sunday right?

      Like

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