Hey what’s up everybody? Welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza! Thanks to all who wished me well after seeing the sad sick food that I shared a picture of last post. I’m happy to report that I have a clean bill of health again! Well, at least for now. Quick weather changes do it to me every time and Mother Nature has been a bit bipolar lately.
Seriously, it’s been over 5 years since I moved to Georgia and I still haven’t figured out these weather patterns yet. I suppose that I need to watch more local news or at least start checking the forecast on my phone before heading out each day because I almost always guess wrong.
One day it’s 80 degrees and I’m the moron rocking a scarf and a full winter coat. The next day I’m the idiot shivering in a tank top and a hoodie as it starts to snow. I just can’t win. I’ve joked about this before, but I might seriously start carrying a duffle bag with everything ranging from a swimsuit to a snowsuit in my trunk from now on. That beats getting sick again.
Oh yeah and while I’m giving shoutouts, thanks to all who checked out my appearance on the PBS NJTV’s special, In Your Neighborhood: New Brunswick last week. During the episode, I discussed my namesake ®Fat Darrell Sandwich and it’s history at Rutgers University.
In hindsight, I probably should have mentioned this last post so more of you could have caught it live…whoops. However, if you’re following me on social media (which you should be already but if you’re not click the buttons on the side panel to do so) I did announce it there.
It was a fun interview though, as well as the first I’ve ever done via Skype.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it to New Jersey in time for the taping, so my segments were filmed remotely from my apartment in Atlanta. Oh, and you’ll be proud to know that even though I was in the comfort of my own home and only shown from the waist up, yes, I still wore pants! I know, I’m proud of me too. #Adulting.
Anyway, since this is the last post before Christmas, Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas everyone!
That reminds me, have any of you figured out why The Green Giant and Santa both say ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ yet? I’m still baffled so one of you needs to figure this out already. Come on people, inquiring minds want to know.
Actually, I think that I’ll call the Green Giant / B&G Foods customer service department and ask them directly. Sure, they’ll think I’m insane but I’d conservatively say that at least half of the people I know already think that anyway. Besides, this question deserves a definitive answer! I’ll let you know what they say in a future post.
So, the travel ban is back in effect here in the United States. I haven’t read the entire list of countries affected yet but hopefully the North Pole isn’t on the list, otherwise Santa might get harassed by TSA agents this year! Although, travel violations are just the tip of the iceberg of offenses Santa could theoretically be locked up for.
Think about it, you’ve also got unauthorized surveillance to know when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake…which I suppose is cute when it comes to Santa but almost caused me to get a restraining order against my stalker ex.
I’m sure there must be several child labor law violations at that workshop plus possible animal endangerment issues.
Considering he’s nearly 200 years-old, I’m also sure he’s operating that sleigh at night without a license. Then of course you have breaking and entering.
Even if he is leaving presents, that’s still quite the rap sheet! I hope he has a great defense lawyer…
Speaking of TSA, you know what I’m surprised they haven’t banned on flights yet? Candy canes. That’s right, candy canes!
Surely, I can’t be the only one who’s almost stabbed through my entire cheek with the pointy end of one of those things! I could easily do a lot more damage with one of those than I ever could with a pair of box cutters!
Oh great, now some psycho is going to read this blog post and actually try that (or worse, TSA is actually going to ban them, and I’ll be on the receiving end of the hate mail for that decision!). Please don’t people, I don’t have time to get subpoenaed.
I have always thought that would make a cool scene in a movie though so if any of you use that idea first, make sure to send the check made out to Darrell W. Butler please. Thanks!
Speaking of candy canes, check out these Oreo candy canes I saw online!
I also spotted these Peppermint Candy Cane Oreo Cookies online but I’m not so sure about these. Although there’s a chance they taste like chocolate chip mint ice cream so hmm, maybe?
I’ll have to look for these in stores although both of these ideas walk the fine line between being incredibly awesome and terrifyingly disgusting…you know, kind of like my wardrobe.
Oh yeah, on that topic, check out this holiday shirt my brother’s family gave me last year!
I told you, many of my questionable outfit choices aren’t entirely my fault so blame them for this one!
Of course, I’d only wear this in private though. Wearing this thing in public might make me look like a Ho, Ho, Ho…
Oh yeah, that reminds me – check out a few funny Christmas sweaters I found online:
And this one will score you a few extra kisses from bae under the mistletoe…
Ha, these Christmas sweater cookies are pretty awesome too!
Do you have another food item, restaurant or recipe we should all try out? Tell us about it in the comments below! Also be sure to join our Facebook Foodie Group, Phenomnomnomenal, by clicking here!
Anyway, back to the subject of creepy unauthorized surveillance, I’m sure that many of you parents are happy to finally almost be rid of the Elf on a shelf for the year.
For those who are unfamiliar, this tradition is based on a 2005 children’s book, written by Carol Aebersold, that explains how Santa Claus knows who is naughty and who is nice. It describes elves visiting children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season (thanks again Wikipedia!).
This tradition isn’t something that I grew up with obviously and since I don’t have any kids, I haven’t had to participate in yet but parents who do are forced to move this toy elf all around the house each day leading up to Christmas.
Although it sounds like somewhat of a pain, some of the photos I’ve seen posted online have been pretty hilarious!
Here are several fun and creative (non-scandalous) ones that I’ve seen recently. Check them out…
Some of those were pretty good right? It’s also kind of creepy though if you really think about it. I mean, the idea of a tiny surveillance device being placed in your home to track behavior is straight out of the book 1984…or for a more modern reference, straight out of the Facebook Messenger privacy settings….
That’s right, Big Brother is watching kiddos. Sweet dreams and don’t forget to brush your teeth.
“I mean, the idea of a tiny surveillance device being placed in your home to track behavior is straight out of the book 1984…or for a more modern reference, straight out of the Facebook Messenger privacy settings….” – Fat Darrell
The way I dropped that 1984 reference, you’d think that I actually read the book when it was assigned back in high school. Remind me to send the creator of Cliffs Notes a “thank you” card one of these days.
For those of you who don’t know what Cliffs Notes are, congratulations! You were actually a good student! Either that or you have youth on your side so Wikipedia was already around for you. Either way, congrats!
The elf on the shelf might be slightly creepy but this next holiday tradition is downright terrifying! I’m referring to the European regional companion to Saint Nicholas, Krampus.
In folklore, Krampus is a horned figure described as “half-goat, half-demon” who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved, in contrast with Santa, who rewards the well-behaved with gifts.
Geez, they don’t mess around in Austria! That’s one crazy tradition…but also effective! Had I grown up over there with freaky horned devil goats dishing out punishment each December, I definitely would have read 1984 from cover the cover…twice!
Although I’d rather deal with a Krampus than this next Christmas tradition again: fruitcake. Ugh, does anyone actually still eat these? Did anyone actually eat them before?
It seems like everyone hated them yet each year there would be at least one or 2 given as a present.
In hindsight, I think that it must have been a passive shade present. You know, the crap present doled out when you don’t actually care to buy one. I think some of these evil fruitcake gifters secretly reveled in watching the disappointment as you opened it. Of course, most people were too kind to actually say they hated it and thus begins the cycle of this nastiness being passed around each year.
I haven’t seen one of these baked disasters in at least a decade so hopefully this tradition has died but if it lives on in any of your houses or if you actually enjoy them, please comment below and share a recipe or location that makes one that’s tolerable and I’ll consider giving it another try. Until then, good riddance.
Another growing tradition is DIY Christmas Party Games! I’ve seen a few fun ones online that my family will have to try one of these years.
Obviously White Elephant is a classic.
There was also a game that I saw on Facebook where instead of bobbing for apples, people held a candy cane in their mouth and used the hook to bob for others to see who could gather the most candy canes in one minute (<-that’s what you call a “run on sentence” kids)!
Another had a family gathered around a table. The first person tried to open a heavily wrapped present but they had to do so while wearing oven mitts and a Santa hat. The next potential player (clockwise) rolled dice until they got snake eyes (a pair of ones) upon which they’d have to put on the hat and mitts to try and open the present. Whoever finally got the entire present and box open won the prize!
My friend Nicole also came up with another cute idea for kids called “Pin the heart on the Grinch.” This one seems self-explanatory but if you’re unsure how to play, Google the rules for “pin the tail on the donkey.” Sorry, there aren’t any Cliffs Notes available for that one…
Here are a few other cute Christmas games that I saw online:
There are so many out there now. Does your family play any of these? If so, comment below with some of your faves!
Oh yeah, while we’re on the subject of Holiday parties, shoutout to those of you who spilled a drink on your boss and are currently looking for a job! Just kidding, I hope that didn’t happen to any of you…but if it did, please tell us about it and better luck next year!
That is a good reminder though, and not just for work parties! Many of you will be spending your very first holiday at your significant other’s house so slow down on the drinks ya lush!
Seriously, you should be able to make it through this stressful time by just laying low and not making waves. So like I said in the Thanksgiving post, don’t talk about politics, religion or possibly the NFL since that’s been a hot button issue for many people this season.
Don’t say anything creepy or give awkward presents. Definitely don’t take the biggest piece of chicken and remember to flush often. You don’t want to be the one to clog that toilet! Especially if it’s the only one and near the kitchen. Good luck!
Also, good luck to those of you who haven’t finished shopping yet! Amazon is giving free overnight shipping to everyone who has a prime account now so you can still make it! Make sure to check out our affiliates page (by clicking here) to wrap things up soon though, you’re cutting it close! And remember, you still get the same low prices and deals through our Amazon affiliates link, we just make a small commission for referring you so thank you in advance for your support!
Okay everyone, here’s a little Christmas themed workout that you can do over the holidays based on the 12 Days of Christmas song. We’ll call this the 12 Days of Fitness. No equipment is necessary, but you might want to grab a towel and a bottle of water. Also make sure that you’re medically cleared before performing any exercise program. Enjoy.
Do you have a fitness question you’d like to ask or an accomplishment you’d like to share? Tell us about it in the comments below!
All I want for Christmas is You – Mariah Carey
Sell Me Candy – Rihanna
The Hanukkah Song – Adam Sandler
Christmas in Hollis – Run DMC
Tik Tok – Kesha (you’d better click our Amazon affiliate’s page to finish shopping asap!)
Do you have another song that fits today’s themes? How about a song that doesn’t fit today’s themes but it just so great, we should check it out anyway? Tell us about it in the comments below!
Okay, I’d be remiss if I didn’t also shoutout those of you who are celebrating Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus or none of the above.
Obviously this post is Christmas-centric since that’s the holiday that I celebrate at this time of year, but we’re all inclusive here at #DoubleFML so I truly hope that everyone has a great time with their friends and family.
Regardless of your personal belief system is, I’m sure that we can all agree that coming together with loved ones and caring for others is what matters the most this season.
With that said, I’m off to spend time with mine, however, before we go, here’s my obligatory reminder to please comment below before you leave! Also make sure to follow me on social media by clicking the logos on the side panel.
Okay folks, that’s almost a wrap but first, I leave you with my take on the Night before Christmas poem that was originally written by Clement Clarke Moore. I call this one, Twas the night before #DoubleFML-mas. Enjoy!
Twas the night before #DoubleFML-mas
Twas the night before #DoubleFML-mas, when all through the house,
I worked on my “fitness” – fittin these chips in my mouth,
I gave my empty plate a sad longing stare,
In hopes that the delivery guy soon would be there;
I pined for hors d’oeuvres and apps like a banquet,
Like mini tacos or pigs in a blanket;
Thoughts of pie and of cake made me start to dance,
Good thing I was wearing my stretch waist “eating pants”,
I started to drool, my chin filled with saliva,
That’s when I saw the delivery driver.
He swung open his door and walked in my direction,
Then suddenly my neighbor made a food interception,
Sadness took over, my excitement was fleeting,
He barely made it inside before he started eating,
I said “Dude, that’s messed up, you’re eating my pizza!”,
He said, “finder’s keepers” and “hasta la vista”,
“Come on man, I’m starving and it’s Christmas time get it?”
He said, “Okay fine, have a seat we can split it.”
That’s when like magic, the food courses they came,
Then he whistled, and shouted, “let’s order lo mein!”
“Now, MICHAEL! now, JERMAINE! On, RANDY and TITO!
Pass the sriracha now let’s get burritos!
Pancake shirt, Batman pants he wore crazy apparel,
Then suddenly it clicked, it must be ®Fat Darrell!
He gave me a wink, raised his hands, snapped his fingers,
Then it rained mozzarella, fries and chicken fingers!
I screamed, and I shouted, I was going berserk,
He said, “that’s not all so save room for dessert!”
Red velvet cakes with cream cheese for icing,
Chocolate lava cakes it was all so enticing,
As I grabbed my spoon, and was turning around,
Suddenly ®Fat Darrell was nowhere to be found.
I ran to the window and looked to the sky,
Was he gone just like that? Without saying goodbye?
“NO!” I cried out for my gluttonous teacher,
Then he said he “was in the bathroom and don’t be such a creeper.”
I said, “sorry whoops” and then “aye, aye captain”
He said, “it’s all good as he tucked in his napkin,”
That’s when he dished out the brownies and ice cream,
“Swoosh” he said, “just fondue it like Nike,”
He melted the chocolate, a wide grin showed his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
“Last course!” he shouted as he patted his belly,
Then he finished his sundae with a bowlful of cherries.
Man versus food I could fit no more in me,
Stuffed, full of sugar please call Wilford Brimley (diabeetus!),
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
He asked, “are you done?” I said, “Yes, I’m well fed.”
He said, “that’s great! I’ll be back in a jiffy.”
Then handed me a bill for $1200 and fifty,
“But I thought that all of this food was for me?”
He said, “Sorry kid, nothing in life is for free.”
Touché. Sticker shocked, I nearly needed a diaper,
He laughed “Ho, Ho, Ho” and slid my credit card down the swiper,
But I heard him exclaim, as I cried into my tissue,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND MAY THE FORK BE WITH YOU!
“Pieces of the puzzle make funny shapes, but they still fit together in the end.” – Nicky Flippers (Hoodwinked)