Hey, what’s up everybody? Welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza!

Again, thank you for the well wishes last week for my birthday (October 31)! I really do appreciate all of you.

Oh yeah, and check out my nephew Domonick’s Trick or Treat haul!

The look of pure joy on his face is priceless! I wonder if my brother and sister-in-law used the Switch Witch idea? That’s a lot of candy! Either way, nice work Dom!

And yes, ever since the Bae Watch post (and last post) where I mentioned that I’ve pretty much ignored my love life most of the year, I’ve been getting some serious pressure to stop being lazy and finally start dating again.

With the upcoming holiday minefield of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching though, this may not be the best timing.

However, when you consider that the number of candles on my birthday cake nearly set off the smoke alarm, I’m obviously not getting any younger! So, perhaps I could stand to be a bit more social. I suppose that’s not such a bad idea. Although, boarding The Titanic was also a great idea at some point too, so we shall see on all of that.

My “fake birthday” was also last week on November 3rd. That’s the date that I use whenever I fill out registration forms online and don’t want to provide my real info. Do any of you do that as well? Comment below!

As for the date? I really didn’t put a ton of thought into it. However, 11/3 was close enough to my actual birthday to keep me a Scorpio and 3 is my favorite number so there you have it.

Whatever the reason, the date stuck so it became my “go-to” whenever I registered for anything online. Since I haven’t filled out any forms in a while though, I had completely forgotten until I started getting birthday greetings from travel websites and hotels Thursday morning!

November 3rd is now also recognized as National Sandwich Day so if you know my background (or read this post), you’ll understand the irony! National Sandwich Day didn’t exist when I originally selected that date but in hindsight, my selection was a random stroke of genius!

I know that last post, I mentioned that I would have selected April Fools’ Day as my birthday had I not been born on Halloween but no, this makes MUCH more sense so it’s November 3rd for the win!

Okay, now I’d love to keep things happy and positive but I’ve been getting bullied lately y’all and it’s really not cool.

I was going to post a photo of the bully here, but he keeps flying away every time that I get close to the window, so I’ll just have to describe him and use Google images instead.

He’s black, he has tiny eyes and he’s around 5-8 inches tall. Oh, no that wasn’t a typo. I didn’t mean 5 feet and 8 inches, I literally meant that he’s somewhere between 5 and 8 inches tall. He also has wings and a short beak and okay yes, I’m describing a bird. But he really is a bully, I’m not even kidding!

It all started innocently enough as I sat on the couch in my home office eating some oatmeal and scrambled eggs.

As I sat enjoying my breakfast and mapped out my plans for the day, I started to feel as though I was being watched. When I looked out of the sliding glass door that leads to my balcony, there he was staring back at me from the ledge.

I thought nothing of it and went back to eating, but after 3 minutes or so, I realized that he hadn’t moved an inch. He was literally just staring at me through the glass as though I had stolen his lunch money.  It was really creepy! 

He was silent, unflinching and intense! Seriously, it was as though he was hypnotized or something. It reminded me of a UFC pre-fight stare down or the look that I probably have on my face whenever Sofia Vergara walks across the TV screen in a sundress…

“It was as though he was hypnotized or something. It reminded me of a UFC pre-fight stare down or the look that I probably have on my face whenever Sofia Vergara walks across the TV screen in a sundress…” – Fat Darrell

Now, there’s a funny meme about showing birds who’s boss by eating scrambled eggs that made me laugh – so I held up my fork and jokingly waved it at him. Of course, that’s when things got even weirder because he literally nodded his head up and down as if to say “okay sucka…” and then he flew off.

Thinking that was the end of our interaction, I laughed to myself, finished my breakfast and went to the kitchen to put the bowl in the sink.

After doing so, I walked back into my office but as soon as I sat back down on the couch, he returned and stared me down once again.

Now, being the playful goofball that I am, I stared back and jokingly asked “oh, you got beef dawg”?

That’s when a second bird swept down and landed next to him! Then another one….and another one….until suddenly I had about 10 birds giving me the stank eye.

What in the….? Did this bird literally call in his goons? Were they planning to jump me when I stepped outside? It was beginning to feel like I was in a reenactment of a Hitchcock movie or something.

Like most of my relationships, this entire situation was crazy, hilarious and disturbing at the same time. Now, obviously, they’re just birds so realistically it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it was still rather distracting so I shut the blinds and got back to work.

Several hours later when I finally stopped to take a break, I opened the blinds and they were all gone…but they’d left their calling card.

Yep, they’d collectively crapped on my entire balcony! That’s not an exaggeration either.

 

No, they literally covered the entire area from the ledges, to both chairs and even my bike! It was disgusting. Thankfully it rained pretty hard later that evening, which saved me a lot of cleanup, but the message had been sent. “Blackbird Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F Wit.” Got it… Loud and clear!

 

For the rest of the day, whenever I heard them on the ledge, I didn’t even look at them so I thought we were cool. But the next morning when I went to my car, it too was covered!

The crazy part was that no other car even had a drop! It’s as though my car was the designated toilet or something.  Oh, and before you suggest that it had to do with the color or shine, my car hadn’t been washed in a week and several shinier black cars were in the lot right next to mine!

Now, obviously I figured that it was just a funny coincidence. I mean, all jokes aside, they’re birds so it’s not like they knew which car I drove.

I figured that it was just because my car was parked under a tree so after a quick trip to the car wash, I parked on the opposite side of the lot. However, to my surprise, when I went to my car the next morning, they had gotten me again!

I sprayed it off one more time and went to the gym. A few hours later, when I returned to my car, yep – you guessed it, crap city! Now, this was literally miles away. Clearly this couldn’t have been the same gang of birds, but still, it was definitely a strange coincidence!

Anyway, this has continued for almost an entire week now so yeah, I’m being bullied.

With that said, I know that birds can’t read and all but I would still like to formally apologize to the entire bird community. I sincerely hope that we can work out a truce of some sort. I honestly didn’t mean any harm. Please stop crapping on all of my things. Please?!

Hopefully that works…although they may not like the egg on this amazing burger I’m about to tell you about next!
It’s been over 2 years since I last stepped foot inside of a Burger King, but after constantly seeing commercials for their new Farmhouse King burger, it was top of mind on my last cheat meal day! So, needless to say, when that magical day finally arrived, the gravitational pull of my car to the BK parking lot was too strong to resist.

Here’s the official description courtesy of the official Burger King website:

“The FARMHOUSE KING™ Sandwich features more than ½ lb. of savory flame-grilled beef, topped with thick-cut smoked bacon, American cheese, crispy onions, ketchup, our creamy signature sauce and a fried egg all on a toasted sesame seed bun.”

Again, if you know my background, you already know that I love crazy food combinations, so this is right up my alley!

Before we get to the taste test though, check out the new Burger King uniforms!

Perhaps these aren’t new to many of you, but like I said, I haven’t been to this place in a few years! I had no idea they were rocking actual burger shirts!

Regular readers may have seen my pizza and pancake tank tops so you already know that I’d absolutely rock this shirt!

Well played Burger King…well played indeed.

Oh yeah, and while I was looking up photos of this shirt online, look what else I found!

Yes! That’s Sofia Vergara again, courtesy of the Burger King commercials in Espanol. I had no idea but ¡Ay, caramba! Indeed.

Anyway, I digress…however, this burger is almost equally hot and delicious!

Seriously, it’s incredible! It actually took longer for me to take photos of it than it did for me to finish scarfing it down!

Crispy onions are always hit or miss on burgers for me but in this case? It’s definitely a hit. Plus they don’t skimp on the bacon, the cheese…wow, all of it works actually – including the fried egg which ties it all together.

I don’t know if it was the 2-year layoff or if it was just that good, but I seriously couldn’t get enough. If you’re already a fan of The Whopper, you will absolutely love this!

However, if you’re also a fan of your abs and your arteries, you probably shouldn’t eat these every day.

With that said, I think that I may have found a really impressive vegan alternative to help you get by in between cheat days. Yeah, that’s right, I said it – vegan!

Now, the problem with most vegan meat alternatives is that they’re typically full of soy which can cause some serious medical issues for both men and women when consumed in high volumes (*just as high volumes of meat could also cause serious medical issues.  The key words here are “high volumes,” so moderation and quality organic sources are always encouraged.  Also make sure to do your homework so that you can figure out how the foods you consume affect your body) There also tends to be much less protein in meat alternatives and don’t even get me started on the taste of many of these products! Again, ¡Ay, caramba! Indeed.

The following Facebook ad from this company, Beyond Meat, caught my attention though.

That photo looks like a real hamburger patty! Plus, it’s packed with 20 grams of protein, no GMO’s and doesn’t rely on soy? Huh? Wow, where was this product back in the day when I used to be slightly skeeved out whenever I had to touch raw meat? This, I had to try.

Unfortunately, the grocery store that I went to find it at didn’t have the patties in stock.

Although that was somewhat of a bummer, I discovered that they also sold prepackaged chicken strips, ground beef crumbles and pre-shaped quarter pounders in the frozen foods section as well!

Coincidentally, the Farmhouse also contained 2 quarter pound patties so this was an ideal comparison!

Although frozen foods always have higher sodium content then a fresh patty, the stats on these were still impressive. Again, none of the Beyond Meat products contain soy, gluten or GMO’s and are made from 100% plant protein. 23 grams of protein per patty that is!

They also added B vitamins, Omega 3’s, Iron and more…this is ridiculous. It’s like a flame-broiled multivitamin! Hmm, I was intrigued.

Even with great nutrition stats however, it could still taste like tree bark…especially with all of those healthy nutrients packed inside.

There really was only one way to find out if these were any good. With that said, I decided to use the Beast Burger as the star ingredient for my healthier take on the Farmhouse King. I was going to call it my Veggie Farmhouse King but since I added turkey bacon and cheese, it’s obviously not vegan. Anyway, here’s what I came up with:

The (Almost) Veggie Farmhouse King Burger
By Darrell W. Butler

Serves 1, total cook time approx. 9 minutes

Ingredients
1 tablespoon of coconut oil (or cooking spray)
2 Beyond Meat Beast Burger quarter pound patties
5 strips of turkey bacon
1 egg
2 slices of Swiss cheese
1 sesame seed bun
Condiments of your choice (I went with sriracha mayo)

Cooking Directions

• On a stovetop, coat pan with coconut oil and set burner to high
• Place both patties in pan and heat for about 2 minutes on each side or until both sides are light brown (you can also use a grill to prepare these)
• Remove the burgers from the pan then fry the bacon until crispy.
• Remove the bacon then fry the egg.
• Toast the bun using the oven or a toaster and you’re ready to assemble.

Assembly Instructions:

• Place slice of cheese on toasted bun. Ad one burger patty, the second slice of cheese and the remaining burger patty.
• Place the fried egg on top of the burger followed by the bacon.
• Add any condiments you’d like to the other bun (again, I went with sriracha mayo and it was awesome) and top it off.

I served mine with a pickle spear and sweet potato fries and I’ve got to say, visually it passes inspection with flying colors! As for the taste?

WOW! At first it tasted too good to be true, so I assumed that the turkey bacon and other ingredients were providing all of the flavor but I also tried the burger patty by itself and it was just as good! I was especially surprised that it wasn’t dry and grainy like most plant-based products tend to be.

I don’t know what kind of voodoo magic they summoned to make a veggie burger packed full of vitamins taste like this but I’m definitely looking forward to trying the unfrozen patty version as well! I’ll also have to try out those chicken strips. Impressive stuff! This company is definitely onto something.

Do you have another food item, amazing recipe or restaurant location that we should absolutely try? Tell us about it in the comments below!  Also make sure to follow our Foodie group on Facebook “Phenomnomnomenal” by clicking here!

These Beyond Meat items should help me avoid Burger King’s gravitational pull again for awhile. That’s essentially today’s fitness tip. Technology has come such a long way that there are healthy alternatives for nearly every food that you can think of. Sure, it might not be exactly like the real thing but if it’s close enough for you to get by in between cheat days when you can have the real thing, it’s still a win! Besides, who knows? You might develop a taste for the healthier version and eventually end up preferring that! See how creative you can be and give it a shot!

Do you have a fitness question you’d like answered or an accomplishment you’d like to share? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Today’s Soundtrack

My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion (it’s the theme from the Titanic movie)
Blackbird – The Beatles
Black Beatles – Rae Sremmurd ft Gucci Mane
Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthin Ta F’ Wit – Wu Tang Clan

Do you have another song that fits today’s themes? Or a song that doesn’t fit today’s themes but it so great that we should check it out anyway? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Before we close this one out, here’s your reminder to please comment below before you leave! Also make sure to click the buttons on the side panel to follow me on Facebook, Twitter and More!

Oh yeah, and here’s a closer look at that goofy shirt from the burger photos…

I can’t exactly say it’s a clever disguise though because it’s not very convincing!

Last but not least, on a serious note, hug your loved ones and appreciate the time that you have with them. With yet another tragedy over this past weekend, it just serves as a harsh reminder that life is short and precious. It’s a cruel world when you can’t ride a bicycle or go to church without fear anymore.

Anyway, that about does it for this week everybody. Thanks again for dropping by and until next time, May the Fork be with you…

-Darrell

“Common sense is like deodorant:  The people who need it most never use it…”