“That awkward moment when you’re standing in line at the grocery store and some old lady catches you flexing your butt to the beat of the song playing over the PA system…and then she compliments you on your rhythm….” – Fat Darrell

So um, yeah, that just happened. Anyway, welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza! How was your Labor Day weekend? Hopefully it was great! As usual, mine was spent working but I’m hoping to finally take a week off next month. For regular readers who’ve been trying to help me decide, I think that I’ve made my final decision and will be heading to Miami and South Florida in early October. Consider it an early birthday present to me from me.

I may also try and sneak a day in New Jersey before heading to a few meetings in New York. That week can’t get here fast enough…I’m exhausted! I’d better hurry up and finally book everything soon though or my vacation may end up turning into a staycation instead… (strange, ‘staycation’ doesn’t get flagged by autocorrect? Who knew?)

Before we move forward, let’s take a look back at last post where I included the following meme.

Well, shoutout (seriously, how does ‘shoutout’ get autocorrected every time but not ‘staycation’?) to Wednesday Pettit who made me this awesome sticker!

Ha, thanks again, I love it!

Oh yeah, and here’s a little follow-up to the PB&J Oreo taste test from last post. As mentioned, you can’t have cookies without an ice cold glass of milk (I once dated this weirdo who used to drink orange juice with her cookies…and on cereal. I told you back in the Bae Watch post that I attract psychos lol seriously, who does that???) so check this out!

 

It’s the “Dunking Buddy”! You may have seen this on Facebook but while others laugh and scroll at dumb items like this when it hits their newsfeed, I actually find them (remember the Tricerataco?)!

This thing is awesome though! I always felt like a psycho myself drowning cookies in milk with my bare hands until the bubbles stopped. Like the Cookie Monster version of Dexter or something. But no, this is much more civilized.

It’s basically just a basket attached to a magnet but I still love it lol Viva El Dunking Buddy! Viva!

 

Oh yeah, and check out this special from my local Dollar Store…

Um, no thanks Dollar Tree, lol I’ll pass. Rib Eye for a buck? That must be taste like (or be made from) the bottom of a shoe for that price! Would any of you be brave enough to try it? If so, you’re just as tough as that steak probably is… 

 

Okay kids, without further ado, it’s time to break out those number 2 pencils because school is back in session!

 

For much of the country, school has been back in session for a few weeks already but since I was raised in New Jersey, I always associate the beginning of the school year with September. Either way, everyone should be back at it by now so let’s go ahead and make this the official #DoubleFML Back to School Special!

My little nephew Domonick started First Grade this past week so this is where his photo would have been, however I heard he was so excited that they could barely snap a picture of him fast enough before he ran off. Little does the poor guy know that there are 11 progressively more annoying grades after this one so he’s in for a surprise! It’s all fun and games until the homework begins…

Seriously though, that’s how they trick you in Kindergarten. One day you’re running around with finger paint, taking naps and eating snacks and then BAM! Suddenly you’re stuck doing Algebra and reading 400-page novels!

Actually, now that I think about it, I still ran around with snacks and took naps in high school too (who am I kidding? I ran around with snacks and took a nap this afternoon!) so I suppose things didn’t really change much.

Anyway, before we move on, shoutout to all of the teachers and thank you for all that you do!

I always make it a point to apologize and repent to any teacher I meet now as a way to atone for my past sins lol.

If you hadn’t guessed already, I was class clown every year so I definitely contributed more than a few gray hairs to several teachers out there. I think that my personal record was when I caused 4 teachers to retire in the same year! Impressive eh?

It was nothing personal of course. I know that they were just doing their job…but so was I. I was class clown…jokes came with the territory! And if I could get the teacher to crack and laugh too, it was all over.

Most of them loved me outside of their classroom, but during classes, I was admittedly somewhat of a terror. Wait, “terror” may not be the best word, “distraction” would be more accurate. I wasn’t the kid out there punching others in the face, failing every class or smoking behind the building. I was more of the bad kid in the good classes. So, I’d basically skip, talk or make jokes throughout my advanced placement and honors classes and then still end up with the highest grade on the test.

But yeah, I loved school actually. It was like a giant singles bar and a comedy club rolled into one…oh yeah, and every now and then I’d accidentally learn something too so that was an added bonus I suppose.

My brother was a perfect student so he blazed a huge trail through my high school 9 years earlier for me (lol thanks Dwayne!  You’re the real MVP). My parents were also very well respected in the community so by the time I rolled through school, I was somewhat untouchable.

 

Because the principal and administrators absolutely loved my family, I had no fear of getting sent to the office.

 

So what I have just described for you was the perfect storm of a quick thinking class-clown with no real concern of being punished. Yeah, good luck with that!

Again, I know that I was a handful, which is why I respect teachers as much as I do now. Educating our next generation is such a huge responsibility, I’d give each and every one of them a raise myself if I could! I know the cliché is that teachers like apples but teachers like cash too – and they deserve it! Actually, some of their salaries can barely even afford apples, especially at Whole Foods (although I need to check them out now that Amazon took over and lowered their prices!).

 

I saw a pretty hilarious video on Facebook the other day where this woman was ranting about parents who complain that they have to contribute toward supplies for their kid’s classes. Although I don’t have kids, I know how I was and I’ve also had the “joy” of trying to help teach a few kids how to do math and English. Trust me, that is no picnic! Especially with this ridiculous new common core crap math they’re spewing across the country now. Have you seen this garbage? Instead of 2 or 3 steps, kids now have to take about 47 steps to get to the same answer. They’ve got them counting jelly beans, matchbox cars, doing 4 cartwheels and a handstand just to solve one simple word problem? No thank you (okay, I admittedly haven’t seriously tried to learn it so feel free to make your counterpoint in the comments below if you’re a supporter)!

 

Most parents wanted to rip their hair out by the end of the summer because their kids were driving them insane. Now you have a place to drop them off for 6-8 hours per day for the low admission price of a few pencils and some tissues and you’re complaining? Really? Do YOU want to count jelly beans and matchbox cars? Shut up, buy the stuff and give those teachers a raise – they deserve it!

Of course, that’s my current stance, but you may have never known from my antics back in the day. For example:

• I once made ramen noodles in chemistry class using a Bunsen burner.

• I used to keep a universal remote in my backpack and would mess with the video player whenever we had to watch a movie that I found boring.

• I used to place bets on how quickly I could anger our woodshop teacher each class to cause his face to turn red and his comb over to fall in front of his face.

• Although I lived literally across the street from my high school, I was late almost every morning so my friend Ray would open up the window during homeroom and I’d climb inside during the National Anthem while the teacher was facing the flag. This worked 3 out of 4 years of high school but they put us on the second floor for my Sophomore year so I almost got suspended for being late 18 times.

I can tell you more about that one in a future post but for now, I’m going to share with you, my most elaborate scheme of all. This is the true….whoops, I mean um “alleged” (I’m not sure what the statute of limitations is on this lol) story of how I literally built an empire, only to have it crumble before my feet. It’s like The Godfather…but with Snicker Bars. Check it out…

Okay, so if you read the recap of my reign as student body president of Thorne Middle School, this story picks up where that one left off. 9th grade…. Yes, Freshman year at Middletown High School North (in Middletown, NJ – Go Lions!).

As President, we ran a very successful “candy-gram” program where kids would purchase various candy bars to have them delivered to their friends or crushes. The proceeds were used to pay for dances, field trips and other events.

When I got to high school, I was surprised to see a similar program being run, where kids could purchase full-sized candy bars each morning during homeroom for a dollar each. I never really paid much attention to the program (I also rarely made it to homeroom on time as I mentioned above) until I began to notice how popular it was.

Of course, this was merely an observation at this point, but in the back of my mind, I wondered how much someone could make if they undercut the school and instead sold fun-sized candy bars for a lower price. At the time, you could get a full bag of them for $1.99 so if each were sold for a quarter or fifty cents? …hmmm.

Again, it was still just a funny thought at the time….until Halloween that is.

You see, my trick-or-treat game has always been on point. My strategy was first to walk to all of the houses to the left of my house (of course, mentioning that it was also my birthday, which was true). Then I’d return home, dump out all of the candy except for a piece or 2, then walk to all of the houses to the right of my house. Of course, seeing how little I had gotten so late into the evening, the houses on the right would give me even more. My parents were also notorious for buying way too much candy to give out too and again, it was my birthday, so my overall candy haul was always ridiculous each year (minus the PayDay and Almond Joys that my mom would always steal from me since those were her fave lol).

 

Anyway, I took a bunch of candy to school with me the next day, just for myself. So when this kid in my homeroom decided he was going to buy a Snicker bar, I decided to eat one of mine too. Of course, he saw me and asked where I got it. That’s when I mentioned that I had that and more, but I knew that if he was willing to buy a full-sized bar for a dollar, there was no way I’d give him my stash for free! So if memory serves me correctly, I charged him a dollar for 2 small Snickers and a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup.

Of course, once other kids saw him eating a Reese’s, they wanted to know where it came from. The school only had Snickers and M&M’s that day, but I had a virtual candy buffet!  The Golden Corral of Candy if you will.

Suddenly, I was getting offers for literally every candy bar that I had in my bag that day. I left school with around $20 so I know that I was on to something.

The next morning, I took even more candy with me and the same thing happened once again. But suddenly, word began to spread to kids in my other classes as well! Kids were coming up left and right like little candy crackheads begging me for a hit.

Eventually, I began to run low on my Halloween supply but that initial wave allowed me to figure out what my top sellers would be. I also came up with an order spreadsheet that I passed around in each class for the next day so that I knew what to buy. Then as soon as I got home, I’d hop on my little Huffy bicycle to ride to the grocery store where I’d replenish my supply. The fun sized bags of candy were only $1.99 and Bazooka Joe gum was only 5 cents back then so my profit margin was ridiculous!  (Too bad they didn’t have a local Dollar Tree back then, perhaps I could have added some $1 Prime Rib to my inventory…)

As the days passed, the candy sales only added to my popularity so suddenly, other kids wanted to be down too. A few approached me in the hallway to “work for me” so that’s when things really got crazy. Sure, I’d give these guys a few pieces here and there, but in general, they were just in it to be the popular “dealer” in their classes too! Meaning, that they didn’t really care about the money so they literally brought it all back to me inside of an envelope along with the order sheets for the next day!

Suddenly, I was running an entire underground candy syndicate! When you factor in my little paper route, mowing lawns and my allowance, I was making some serious bank! My parents also gave me lunch money each week, but I’d often stash that and either make something at home or my girlfriend would bring me food so I was on the verge of a budding empire!

I eventually expanded my business to include these comedy magazines that I wrote called Warped Zone, which I sold for $7.50 since my friend’s family had a printing service that she let me use for free. I also used to airbrush shirts for $15 and then I eventually started doing papers for people since I’ve always liked to write.

One Earth Science project in particular, I “allegedly” (😉)wrote 28 out of 30 papers and they all got A’s.

Mr. Ensign: Wow, you guys really did such a great job on these! Each paper was so creative and different – I’m really impressed!

Me. Thanks! Whoops, I mean um…we thank you….yeah, um…..we….

I eventually began to feel guilty about the papers so I shut down that segment of my empire until I was forced to come out of retirement senior year (another story for another day my friends) but the other hustles continued all the way until I graduated!

Oh, you were waiting for the sad ending? My comeuppance? Well, that didn’t happen until Freshman year at Rutgers University.

I had literally amassed thousands of dollars between my 2 jobs senior year, paid comedy performances and these underground side hustles at school. I may have had more money then than I do now lol. I also didn’t have a ton of bills like I do now so I was definitely living it up! But yeah, one night out at Rutgers destroyed most of my savings.

I was in the Parking Deck by the library on College Avenue if you’re familiar. I had one of my best friends in the passenger seat and 2 girls in the back who started cheering for ice cream (that’s where we were headed next) as I backed out of my spot. I got distracted and ended up hitting the pillar that I was parked next to which placed a huge dent in the side of my car. My ego wouldn’t allow me to drive around with my car like that so I ended up shelling out nearly 2 grand to get that fixed in addition to several other dumb purchases and the rest is history.

I had a good run though.

Speaking of a good run (see what I did there?) – if distance running isn’t your thing, remember there’s a whole world of cardiovascular exercises out there you can also participate in. Swimming is easiest on your joints if you have access to a pool.

If you’re looking to ad some “bootyliciousness” the stair climber is always a great option. Sprinting or using the rowing machine are great ways to work up a sweat quickly. The same could be said for jumping rope since about 10 minutes of rope jumping could equals nearly 30 minutes on a treadmill!

There’s also kickboxing, spin-classes, kettle bells, circuit training and more. The days of merely using tedious running to get your cardio workouts in are a thing of the past. And even if running is your thing, mix it up every once in awhile. Your body will thank you for it.

Do you have a fitness question or accomplishment you’d like to share? Comment below!

Before we go, here’s a quick and simple recipe that combines 2 of the ingredients we mentioned earlier in the post (no, not Dollar Tree rib eye…) Apples and cookies! These are so good that even your kids will eat them…if you don’t finish them first! Check it out…

Apple Cookies

Courtesy of Rachel Schultz
Serves 8 cookies

Ingredients
1 apple
¼ cup peanut butter
¼ cup almonds, sliced
¼ cup walnuts, chopped
¼ cup shredded coconut
¼ cup chocolate chips

Instructions
1. Slice apple into thin rings and remove core
2. Spread peanut butter over one side of the ring.
3. Top with almonds, walnuts, coconut and chocolate chips

Easy peasey right? Give these a shot and tell us what you think in the comments below!

Do you have a food item or restaurant that we should check out? How about a recipe that you’d like to share? Tell us about it in the comments below, email or hit us up on social media!

 

Today’s Soundtrack

Mr. Good Bar – LL Cool J (these actually didn’t sell that well…Snickers though? Money!)

C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

All Falls Down – Kanye West ft. Syleena Johnson

Hurt – Nine Inch Nails (“You can have it all, my empire of… Butterfingers….”)

Tears of a Clown – Smokey Robinson

Kingdom Come – Jay Z

Tha Doggfather – Snoop Doggy Dogg

Crash into Me – Dave Matthews Band (My poor little Cutlass Supreme… RIP)

Do you have another song that fits today’s themes or that’s just so great we should check it out anyway?  Tell us about it in the comments below!

Ha, that Homey D. Clown pic just gave me a very simple Halloween costume idea if I get stuck for ideas. Although now that I’ve announced that, I’ll have to pick something else…

Anyway, I hope that your September is off to a great start! Even though it’s a shortened work week for most, those 4 day weeks feel twice as long sometimes.

This week however is still going to be magical because at the end of it we now have football! If you haven’t seen my annual NFL kickoff video, here it is!  Check it out…

Last post I also urged everyone to help out with the hurricane relief efforts. I personally made a donation last week but the gym that I manage is also going a step further by organizing a food drive this week as well.

If only the nation would come together for other causes like we’ve rallied behind this one. With over 326 million people in this country alone, imagine how much we could accomplish together. It’s sad that it takes national tragedies for people to realize that…and then it’s immediately forgotten until the next disaster strikes. Anyway, I digress, hopefully everyone continues to spread love to the areas affected and let’s hope this new storm off the coast of Florida never makes it to land.

As always, you know what to do – please drop a comment below before you leave this page. Here’s a great question to weigh-in on if you’re looking for something to talk about. Who was your favorite or most influential teacher and why?

Also follow my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter pages by hitting the appropriate icons on the side panel.

That about does it for this week. Until next time my friends, May the Fork be With You…

-Darrell

“15 years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Now, the real world is an escape from the internet…”