Yep, you read that correctly: Darrell is no biscuit.

What am I talking about? Allow me to explain.

During a follow-up conversation after my last post which dealt with love and dating, I ended up in a discussion about loyalty and infidelity (oooh, I just used a “big boy word” – That was 5 syllables!).

My coworkers Nicole and Aspen (cool name, right? Her parents decided to name her that since she was born in Aspen, Colorado. Luckily for her, she wasn’t born in Staten Island or Newark…) pointed out that guys still try to hit on them in the captions under photos they post with their fiancés! Sadly, this isn’t uncommon…not in the slightest.

Affairs aren’t a new concept. Adultery has been around since the beginning of time, but people really have no chill in 2017! It’s a whole new level now. That’s why you need to have a really tight bond with your significant other because people don’t respect relationships anymore. Especially on social media!

It’s almost comical to think of how The Scarlet Letter would need to be rewritten to better reflect modern society if it came out today. For those who didn’t do their grade school English reading assignment (or at least didn’t buy the Cliffs Notes like I did), the lead character in this classic novel was forced to wear a scarlet red letter “A” on her dress to shame her for committing adultery.

That could never happen now because there’s no shame! People are happy to be the “side chick” or “side dude” lately so the modern-day Hester Prynne (that’s the lead character in the book you never read…slacker) would probably be proud to wear an “A” as big as Alvin from The Chipmunks if this book were written now!

Hey, I’m not one to judge but I’m personally way too old to be sneaking around like some high school kid. So, you’ll never catch me climbing out of a second story window in my boxers or hiding in some chick’s closet while her husband leaves for work.

I can understand if you have an open relationship or if you’re separated (or maybe if you live in Utah…) but otherwise, I’m not about that life. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. You want to have your cake and eat it too but the thing is, I really like my cake. So get your own. Coming for a slice of mine just might get you stabbed with a fork (May the fork be with you…)! Sharing isn’t caring…at least when it comes to my girlfriend. So nope, I’m no side piece.

Like I said, I’m nobody’s biscuit. I’m not mashed potatoes, I’m not mac and cheese and I’m not a green bean casserole. I’m the entrée, not the side. I’m a complete meal. I’m a delicious steak with 4% fat and plenty of sauce. But hey, to each his or her own, right?

“Like I said, I’m nobody’s biscuit. I’m not mashed potatoes, I’m not mac and cheese and I’m not a green bean casserole. I’m the entrée, not the side. I’m a complete meal. I’m a delicious steak with 4% fat and plenty of sauce.” – Fat Darrell

Again, to those who enjoy this lifestyle, I get it, it’s just not for me. There are way too many diseases out there and I have way too many trust issues for all of that.

Like I said though, if it’s an open relationship or openly discussed then I might be down. What I’m not down for is being fully committed to someone who is already committed to someone else. I’m more of the “all or nothing” type so if you want a biscuit, you should probably call KFC instead because I’m not the one.

Oh wait, you can also call the Montgomery, Alabama minor league baseball team because that’s their actual team name: The Montgomery Biscuits! I’m not making this up. Here’s their website lol check it out! http://www.biscuitsbaseball.com See?! My old boss told me about this team years ago but I forgot about them until now. Hmm, I also forgot that he has yet to deliver on his promise to get me a logo tee… (thanks for nothing Adam!)

Wait a minute, if there’s a minor league team named after biscuits, I wonder if there’s also a team named after pizza or tacos? Hmm, I’m going to have to do some research on this subject…

Before we move on, here’s a random list of other cities and states that work as names that I’ve had in the back of my mind ever since I typed Aspen’s: Charlotte, London, Brooklyn, Athena, Savannah, Virginia, Carolina, Orlando and Phoenix. I’ve actually known people with each of those names. Did I miss any? Comment below…

Speaking of “missing any” – I forgot yet another innocent word that sounds unintentionally dirty (for context, see this post). Pianist. Yep. Not sure how I left that one off of the list, it probably should have been number 1!

So, in light of my last post, my friend Samantha says that she wants to put together an online dating profile for me. She says that at worst, it’ll lead to more funny content for this blog. Hmm, I’ll have to think about that one. Her main advice for me is always to “stay away from the crazies” but crazy is what I attract. It’s one of my superpowers. So who knows what type of unstable basket-cases, freaks and weirdos I might reel in on one of these dating apps. I’m not so sure about this idea lol what do you all think? Comment below!

Speaking of crazy women I’ve dated in the past, I told you last post that at least one of them is currently in jail so that reminded me of this product that I own. The only difference is that her prison phone calls are literally from prison. Anyway yeah, if I do go on a date any time soon, this could come in handy. Check it out…

It’s a lockable cell phone jail so that you actually have to interact with the person in front of you! I know, crazy concept right? It fits up to 8 phones though so it’s a fun idea for a family dinner or a small gathering. Pretty cool eh?

Oh yeah and before we move on, here’s yet another random thought. So, in the UK, what we call a “cookie” here in the US is called a biscuit. So, my question is, what do people in the UK call a US version of a biscuit? I’ve asked several UK friends but have never gotten a definitive answer. Do they not have buttermilk biscuits in Britain (try saying that sentence 5 times fast…)? If they don’t have an official name for “American biscuits” in the UK yet, my nomination is for them to be called “cookies” – that would be a mind-blowing completion of the circle…

Anyway, moving on from circles to other round objects, did you check out the eclipse? If I didn’t have work commitments in Atlanta on Monday, I would have gone to my parent’s house in South Carolina since they live directly in the ideal viewing path!

Hopefully you didn’t look directly at it since that’s supposed to really jack up your eyes. Those crazy sunglasses were really hard to find though huh? In hindsight, I should have posted this last week, but here’s how you can make one of those home viewing devices using a cereal box. This is extra awesome since I was looking for an excuse to buy some Frosted Flakes! I haven’t had them in several years but hey, it’s for science, right? So Grrrreat!

I remember making one of those in third grade when we had an eclipse back then too. Even though this info is a little late, at least you’ll know what to do when the next Total Eclipse passes over the US around 2044.

UPDATE! At the time I wrote this, the cereal box was the plan however this sweet woman dropped by my gym and gave me a pair of the eclipse glasses (I still need to pick up a box of Frosted Flakes for my next cheat meal, it’s been way too long!)! I was able to check it out after all so that was really nice of her!

 

I had a few people jokingly say that I should have sold them for $30 or something but no way, I’m keeping these. Why? Because if I ever get to meet Sofia Vergara in person, I imagine that I’ll need to wear these sunglasses since staring at all of that deliciousness with the naked eye might also permanently blind me…

 

It was pretty cool to see how excited everyone got over this cosmic event though. The glasses selling out felt like a huge new movie release or something. Everyone was really geeked up for nature with large crowds gathered all over the nation to sit together and watch the sky.

It sounds so calm and peaceful, doesn’t it? Which is why I’m somewhat confused.

Confused? Yes. I’ve lived through the whole Heaven’s Gate cult tragedy where people thought a comet that passed close to Earth was going to doom us all. Then I lived through Y2K when everyone thought the world was going to end when we hit the year 2000. Oh, and who can forget about the 2012 Mayan doomsday prophecy?

With that said, I can’t believe that no strange new theory was tied to the eclipse (aside from one crazy chick on Facebook who was adamant about the eclipse being an elaborate hoax just to sell glasses). It’s shocking actually. Where are all of the fun bizarre “prophecies” this time around? Come on people, where’s my entertainment?

Now I really wish I had gone to South Carolina because that’s the location of that UFO Welcome Center that I told you about (you can check out that post by clicking here…). I’m sure THAT guy has some theories!

I suppose eclipses are somewhat common so people aren’t freaking out this time? Or perhaps our daily news lately has been so bizarre that nothing is really a shock anymore? I mean, I find myself feeling more and more like I’m living on Mars when I open my newsfeed each day, so perhaps alien doomsday prophecies have already been fulfilled… “Nanu Nanu” indeed.

Speaking of alien weirdness, aside from those eclipse viewing glasses, here are a few more pairs of futuristic sunglasses that I own.

First are these crazy wrap-around shades that look like something out of a sci-fi movie. You can’t wear these if you don’t feel like having a conversation though because they definitely stand out in a crowd.

And for those days that you don’t feel like having a conversation, here are my “censored” glasses.

Ha, these are actually counterproductive since you end up having to discuss them as well but nope, that’s not a photoshopped black graphic over my eyes, those are literally the glasses! You end up being a walking, talking censored image. Unfortunately, these are a little hard to see through but are still fun for making a statement. Especially if that statement is that you’re a weirdo….

Since I’ve already referenced biscuits at least a dozen times already, it would seen strange not to discuss them for this week’s foodie segment. So, with that said, let’s talk biscuits y’all.

That’s right, I said “y’all” because if anyone knows about biscuits, it’s people in The South. So without further ado, here are 2 restaurant chains that people are flipping out over in the southern states.

First is Biscuit Love, a husband and wife owned chain based in Nashville that started off at a popular food truck (hmm, that story sounds familiar lol). I’ve been told by friends who have visited this restaurant that the food is incredible so I’ll have to make sure to head there when I finally visit Nashville for a future blog post.

If you plan to visit, make sure to get there before 7am and 3pm though or there will be no biscuit love for you until the next morning. For more information, visit http://biscuitlove.com/

Next up is Biscuit Head (Biscuit Love and Biscuit Head lol these restaurants are already worth going to for the t-shirts alone!) based in North and South Carolina. This place also looks incredible! Since they’re also relatively close, I may be able to swing by both restaurants in the same day and eat myself into a biscuit food coma one of these days.

This place is also owned and operated by a husband and wife team so apparently biscuits are the foundation for a happy marriage… You’ll also need to get there before 3 on the weekend and 2 during the week, but based on these photos, it’s worth getting an early start for! For more information, check out http://www.biscuitheads.com/

Last but not least, here’s a great article from Delish giving ideas what you can do with canned biscuits from home! From soft pretzels to monkey bread and more! Check it out: http://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/g4210/biscuit-dough-recipes/?slide=6

Last post we discussed my comically tragic dating history where I mentioned that I’ve somehow managed to date the same troubled girl in different forms over and over again. The most recent incarnations were even more exhausting than the previous models. It’s like they were all participating in a “hot mess challenge” to see who could be the bigger train wreck. I tried to help and be supportive but it’s hard to give “Dr. Phil pep talks” every single day and still maintain your own sanity. So, with that said, today’s fitness tip is of the mental variety.

Be careful how much mental baggage you take on while supporting someone else. While it’s great to be there for other people, if you don’t take the time to also care for yourself, you may end up just as broken as the ones you’re trying to help. Like the flight attendants always say when they demonstrate the proper use of the oxygen mask: put it on yourself first before attempting to help others with theirs. You can’t jumpstart someone else’s car if your battery is also dead too.

Do you have a fitness related question you’d like answered or an accomplishment you’d like to share? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Today’s Soundtrack

The Humpty Dance – Digital Underground (“I’m the one who said ‘just grab ‘em in the biscuits…’”)

(Do the) Mashed Potatoes – James Brown

Break Stuff – Limp Bizkit

Total Eclipse of the Heart – Bonnie Tyler

Have another song that fits today’s theme? Or how about a song that’s just so awesome we should check it out anyway? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Well, that about does it for today folks. Hopefully your week is off to a great start. I know that many schools and companies were closed for the eclipse so an impromptu 3 day weekend sounds pretty cool to me!

This weekend, is also the huge boxing match between Floyd Mayweather and UFC star, Connor McGregor. Hopefully it lives up to the hype! Although I like both fighters, I think Mayweather will win this one – what’s your pick?

You know I can’t close this out without reminding you to follow me on social media by clicking the buttons on the side panel. Please also drop a comment below before you leave mmkay? Thanks!

Okay, that’s a wrap everybody. Thanks again for dropping by and until next time, May the Fork be with you…

-Darrell

“Change nothing and nothing changes…”