What’s up everybody? Welcome back to #DoubleFML FatDarrellPalooza! Unfortunately, I’ve been crazy busy lately so I couldn’t post this one yesterday as I had planned. Instead, here we are, posting on Woman Crush Wednesday…but as you can see from the title, that actually makes sense this week. Still, sorry for those of you who came looking for a new post yesterday!

Anyway, before we move on to other topics, I’ve got to share some of the follow-up from last post featuring “kumquat” and 9 other words that sound unintentionally dirty! Between the Fat Darrell Facebook, Instagram and my personal pages, I received several notable comments (although I sure do wish these comments were posted below instead! Woe is me…).

First, I had several people ask what my shirt in the last cover photo actually said since it was partially blocked by my sign. So, ask and you shall receive. Here ya go…

No, “Lil Crazy” is not my rap name lol (my “rap name” is actually ®Fat Darrell – download my new song “Pushin Weight” on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes…), the shirt is a reference to Harley Quinn. If you don’t know who she is, think back to last Halloween. Remember that costume that you saw a few hundred thousand times? Yep, that’s her.

Oh, and **Spoiler Alert** This year, you can expect to see a few billion Wonder Woman costumes instead.

Oh yeah, and shoutout to Kroger for having this out already!

It’s mid-August and they’re already breaking out the jack-o-lanterns? If you read my Christmas in July post, you know that I have absolutely no complaints here!

Anyway, next up was Stephen Box’s suggestion that both “manhole” and “manhole cover” should have been on the list of unintentionally dirty sounding words. Ha, wow, he definitely has a point there! I never thought of those 2 but yes, they both sound absolutely filthy so kudos for those suggestions Mr. Box. As a sign of my gratitude, I won’t point out how your last name could have also possibly made the list too… oh wait, I just did. My bad! Anyway, moving on…..

Several others also contributed to my list of unintentionally offensive street and business signs from last post as well. In response to my “Beaver Ruin Road” highway photo, Beth Wolland Phillips shared that there’s also a “Dry Beaver Creek” in Arizona! Beth also noted that there’s a Garage Store named “Well Hung” and that she uses Cox Cable so apparently, it’s scandalous times aplenty in the Grand Canyon State eh?

Then I was reminded that back at Rutgers, I attempted to steal the “Hoes Lane” street sign from a nearby town.

Although that attempt was unsuccessful, I did manage to take these 2 back in high-school…whoops, um I mean “allegedly” … (can one of you please look up the statute of limitations laws in New Jersey? Um, yeah…asking for a friend, thanks!).

Jerry Sorrentino also shared the following photo from Detroit:

Big Beaver Road AND it’s Mile 69? Oh COME ON lol clearly that town zoning board had a sense of humor. There’s no way that’s coincidental!

Cathy LaGrippo Bennett shared this one too:

Heather Mills Nowak reminded me to “not forget our friendly local sports store where they sell balls of ALL sizes!”

Dawna Shusterman provided these 2 gems on us as well:

And then Amanda Dale dropped the mic after sharing this sign from Arkansas!

Wow, lol, that one doesn’t even require a follow-up joke.

Hopefully you didn’t get the humor in any of those. If so, your mama raised you right lol. For the rest of you, go wash your mouths out with soap or something! Heathens.

Okay, that’s enough grade school humor for the moment but speaking of “grade school,” don’t you kind of miss shopping for school supplies? I used to love that back in the day. Picking out a fresh new notebook, pencils, and folders was the best man.

Speaking of which, check out this new backpack that I purchased the other day (thanks Sasha J!)!

There were only 2 left, so I had to race a few 8-year-olds across the store to make sure that I got to it first. Ha, I’m just kidding about the race (sorta…), but this conversation legitimately happened when some lady took a look at the goofy items and impulse buys that I had in my shopping cart:

Her: “Oh wow, look at all of that fun stuff! You’re like Dad of the year or something! Your kids must love you!”

Me: “My kids? Huh? What kids? …I mean um, yeah…my kids. Yes, that’s who this stuff is for…..”

If you read the “It Happens” post, you’ll remember a similar conversation with a woman in the parking lot then too. I’ve been told they were both flirting but I’ve become so oblivious to romantic signals lately that I barely even noticed. It’s not that I don’t want a girlfriend or a wifey, I just don’t particularly feel like dating right now. Life is too short and I’m way too busy to have mindless chit-chat about my favorite color or pretend that I don’t fart for 3 months.

“Life is too short and I’m way too busy to have mindless chit-chat about my favorite color or pretend that I don’t fart for 3 months.” – Fat Darrell

Okay that’s a bit harsh…and factually inaccurate since this entire blog is basically mindless chit-chat (my favorite color is black by the way…. although I’ve been told that’s technically a shade not a color so in that case, my second favorite is red). But the “extremely busy” part is true. So, if I’m going to waste time and energy on someone right now, she’d better be worth the effort.

That’s why I don’t do the whole “cuffing season” thing that many participate In at this time of year.

For those who don’t know, many people just settle for someone before the winter months so that they have someone to keep them warm at night. Like a human pair of long johns.

They basically cosplay a relationship for several months and then go their separate ways once it’s warm out again. That’s when they transition to their spring flings and summer lovin’. Hmm, that’s almost every season so I guess if you want to find something real, you’d better do it in Fall?

Anyway, yeah, “cuffing season” is a jokey slang term, however some people are actually about that life. Not me though. I mean, why waste time on someone who I’m just going to break up with in the spring? Especially when you have to deal with awkwardly navigating through Christmas and Valentine’s Day?

Granted, I can see why some people actually do this. I mean, the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship is usually the best part anyway, but the settling part? No way, I never settle.

Besides, it doesn’t get THAT cold down here in Atlanta during the winter months. So instead of getting a bae, I’d rather just get a bae-rito and call it a day. If we’re just going to break-up anyway, why not fast forward to that part and save ourselves some time?

Yeah, yeah, I know, not everyone does that. And yes, I know, soul mates, real love, yada yada yada. Got it. Like I said, I haven’t ruled it out, I’m just tired, that’s all. But yes, I’m sure that my parents would love for me to finally get hitched and start churning out grandkids for them so I haven’t completely abandoned the idea.

Actually, my parents are the main reason I’d still consider getting married someday. They’ve been married forever and are this perfect little dream couple. The rest of these people pressuring me to get married though? I don’t know man, many of them just seem miserable. It’s like they want me to get married because as the term says, “misery loves company” right?

Seriously though, these people will get on my case for not making time for my love life, then spend the next several hours complaining about their “good for nothing spouse” and how unhappy they are! It’s a lot like when someone sniffs some stale milk, screams “eww gross!” and then they pass the carton over to you so you can smell how awful it is too! Well, I don’t need to sniff your stale milk to know that I don’t want any, I’m good.

But still, I do suppose it would be nice to come home to more than just my houseplants each day. So hmm, to bae or not to bae? That is the question (that noise you just heard was Shakespeare turning over in his grave…).

“To bae or not to bae? That is the question.” – Fat Darrell

Oh yeah, for those who don’t know what “bae” means, it’s an annoying term that stands for “before anyone else.” But wait before you say “aww” I should point out that it’s also a Danish word that stands for poop and in Iceland the term means “bye.” Ironically, all 3 definitions can be applied to most of my past relationships…

Part of the problem is that with my schedule lately, all that I do is work, workout and come home. Dating someone at work is almost always a bad idea and I’m not going to be “that guy” who hits on women at the gym though so that leaves random encounters at the grocery store or something.

 

Online dating? Hmm, perhaps but there are only a handful of websites I’d consider putting some goofy profile on for the world to see. Even then, there are some straight-up weirdos online! For example, have you ever scrolled through the Craigslist personals section? You have an equal chance of getting your organs stolen as you do of finding love on there.

 

Blind date? Eh, maybe, but I don’t really have a circle of friends like that. I’d actually consider this option though because at worst, it’s only an hour or 2 of my time. I’ve mentioned that show Married at First Sight show before though.  Now, I could never do that!

For those who aren’t familiar, this show on Lifetime matches up 2 strangers who meet for the very first time at the altar when they get married to a stranger! Like I said the first time I mentioned that show, I could barely trust someone to order my dinner, so you think I could have them pick out my wife? No way.

Although arranged marriages statistically remain together longer than traditional couples, I could never let someone else make that decision for me!

They have some other show where strangers are blindfolded and kiss each other before having their first conversation though. That’s much less commitment so I’d possibly be okay with that concept so long as the stranger was guaranteed to be female! I’d never seriously participate in a reality dating show though.

Have you also seen this new one, also on Lifetime, called Date Night Live? They document 7 couples from various cities on actual first dates…in real time! Because, you know, a first date isn’t awkward enough already so you might as well add a live camera and commentators to the mix. It’s actually pretty interesting. I should photobomb the next episode that’s filmed in Atlanta lol.

Although that show is decent, it’s got nothing on the original Blind Date show! You know, the one with all of the pop-up commentary and funny graphics? That show was hilarious! Again, I’d never go on it, but they definitely need to bring it back. Actually, you never know. Since they brought back Love Connection (I’ve still yet to see the reboot), Blind Date is probably next on the docket.

Back in the day, producers of the old MTV show Singled Out scouted me to be on the show when they visited the Rutgers University campus to scout for talent. My answer then is the same as it would be now though. “Darrell doesn’t do reality dating shows….unless I’m the host.”

Anyway, enough about tv dating shows. Like I said, I’m never going on one so that rules out yet another option. So hmm, where do I “find her”?

I know, I know. You’re not supposed to actually look. Love is supposed to find you, right? And that sounds great and all but you know who normally finds me? Psychos. Psychos are who find me.

 

Now of course I’m fully aware that “if they’re ALL crazy, I must be the problem” (that Harley Quinn shirt from earlier in the post seems more ironic now doesn’t it?) and I know that people toss that “crazy” term around all of the time. But 2 of the women I’ve dated aren’t allowed to come back to the US, 3 are on probation and at least 1 of them is currently in prison (Mom, are you still reading this?) so um yeah, that wasn’t just a metaphor.

 

Out of respect for their privacy (and fear they might murder me…), I won’t go into specifics about them but I will give the 3 most recent “potential bae’s” credit for just coming right out of the gate with their crazy. Those who came before them at least pretended to be sane for the first few months but not these pioneers. Oh no, they just laid their bat-sh%t crazy cards right out on the table from the beginning. It was actually refreshing and saved a lot of time so cheers to you ladies!

I still stuck around for awhile though. Why? Because they were cute and fun and that’s what tends to get me in trouble. That’s how I’ve somehow managed to date the same troubled girl in different forms over and over again (see the crazy/hot matrix illustration. I didn’t make this but it’s still pretty funny…well, unless your name is Tiffany….).

So yeah, THAT is the result of “waiting for love to find me” instead of taking an active role in the process. So the next woman I seriously decide to date should have more to offer than just “a big butt and a smile” (name that tune! lol Comment below….).

So, what do I look for in a bae? Hmm, that’s actually a difficult question. I mean, I don’t really have a specific “type” so my bae can come in all different shapes, sizes and flavors…although I tend to like them a little spicy and exotic. My ideal bae is hot on the outside yet warm on the inside. Always there for me and able to make me feel better even when I’m having an awful day and….wait hold on. That’s pizza. I just described a pizza y’all.

Seriously though, those are actually many of the qualities that I look for in a woman. Plus you know, fun, intelligent, supportive…someone I can build an empire with.

Age, height and race don’t really matter much since I’m more interested in what someone does with the areas of life they actually have control over. And sure. looks matter but I also want someone I can have weird conversations with about 90’s hip-hop or whether aliens exist at 2 in the morning.

Anyway, long story short, I may carve out some time to actually consider dating again to find someone to melt the ice around my cold heart lol. I’ll let you know how that goes but in the meantime, this other item that I purchased along with the backpack is another prime example of why I’m currently single…

Yep, that’s a T-rex onesie.  Why?  I have absolutely no idea.  And yes, there is a tail…and scales!  Rawr Indeed.

So today’s fitness tips pick up where the dating topic left off.

Tip #1 is that working out with a partner (romantic or platonic, either way) can help with consistency and motivation. You’re also likely to work harder with someone there to push you.

and Tip #2 is basic gym etiquette. Sure, there are a lot of attractive people at the gym and since you both may be interested in fitness, you obviously have that in common which is great! Still, don’t be “that guy” or “that girl” who stares, interrupts, distracts of films your gym crush. Sure, there could be mutual interest but find the right time to approach them instead of tapping them on the shoulder in mid-squat.

Do you have a fitness related question or a fitness accomplishment you’d like to share? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Today’s Soundtrack

Come Get it Bae – Pharrell Williams ft Miley Cyrus (This may have been the origin of the term Bae…)

That’s What I like – Bruno Mars

Believer – Imagine Dragons

Power of Love – Deee-Lite (Happy Birthday Lady Miss Kier!)

Do you have another song that fits todays theme or that’s just so awesome we should check it out anyway? Tell us in the comments below!

Okay, sorry again for the delay on getting this one out. It’s been a hectic past week and part of that was due to my role in grand opening the brand new I Love Kickboxing studio in Buford, GA this past Saturday. The team there is doing a great job and the members are all having a blast but I’ve been logging a lot of hours managing everything. Shoutout to the Buford Badasses though! If you’re ever in the area, you should definitely come “kick it” with them!

Please send your thoughts, positive vibes and prayers in the direction of my family friend Will who lost his mother the other day. He’s one of my older brother’s best friends and a genuinely good dude so I feel awful for him during this difficult time. I haven’t seen him in years but will never forgot how he always treated me like his little brother as well. He also helped me complete my collection of He-Man figures by hooking me up with a battle armor Skeletor back in the day so yeah, shoutout to Will and his family.

While we’re on the positive vibes and prayers kick, let’s all send some over to Charlottesville. I always try to keep things light and entertaining as an escape from the news but that’s an ugly and sad situation up there. Hey Virginia, eat a Snickers…

Anyway, that’s a wrap on this one. I know I’m a broken record with this statement but please drop your comments below instead of messaging me directly. We have a great organic following that’s growing by the week but you’d never know based on the tumbleweed blowing through the comments section!

Also, make sure to follow me on social media by clicking the icons on the side panel.
Let’s make it a great week everybody! Until next time, May the Fork be With you…

-Darrell

“Badee, badee badee that’s all folks…”