Hey what’s up everybody? How are you all doing? I’m good, although I almost blew out my shoulder trying to do that “Backpack Kid” dance from Katy Perry’s SNL performance. I still can’t figure out how he does that but anyway yeah…so this happened the other day:
After I posted that status on Facebook and Instagram (if you’re not following me yet, click the buttons on the side panel to do so), I had a lot of people asking me if that was my most awkward gym moment ever. Of course, if you’re a regular reader, you can already guess that it’s not! I mean, just last post I told you about my grocery store incident and in past posts, I also shared my NJ Transit Creeper incident…and then my follow-up NJ Transit creeper incident. So with all of the time that I spend in the gym, and since my life is basically a sitcom, you already know there are a few more disaster stories to be told! With that said, here are several incidents that have happened over the years. As for which is the most awkward, I suppose I’ll let you decide for yourself!
In case you thought I was kidding in the post above, I really was wearing Batman boxer briefs. Bright yellow Under Armour ones to be exact (see photo). Those definitely did not blend in with the black track pants that I had on so they were on full display for the remaining 90 minutes or so I was there. Hello ladies haha…
Anyway, yeah I was hyped up to see the Wonder Woman movie later that day I suppose so I decided that rock those. Now I know that I’ve posted some wild outfits like pizza and pancake tank tops and burger t-shirts but I swear, I don’t always dress like a 4-year-old! Yet, it just so happens that whenever I have on the dumbest pair of boxers, disaster strikes. It’s like Murphy’s law for violating that old rule when moms tell you to always make sure that you have on a nice pair of undies in case you have an emergency. Here are 2 more incidents that have come back to haunt me at the gym:
The first was in Dallas. I was in town for a wedding and decided to sneak in a workout during some downtime. Unfortunately, I hadn’t packed many athletic boxer options so I wore some silk Scooby Doo boxers that my girlfriend had given me as a gag gift for my birthday. Much like the other day, I was doing squats again and I had a stranger spotting me for a heavy set toward the end of my routine. After psyching myself up, I placed the weight on my shoulders and lowered myself down into a deep squat. As I prepared to stand back up, the entire back of my silk boxers ripped! It made a loud popping noise causing several people to look over. I wasn’t exposed since I obviously had on pants but I was still bummed out that I had destroyed my boxers so as I stood up to put the bar back on the rack, I was like “man that sucks.”
“Yeah…it does” the concerned guy spotting me said as he rushed off.
As I stood there shaking out my legs since they were exhausted, I sat down for a second to retie my shoelaces. Suddenly, the guy runs back with 2 trainers, the manager, a full first aid kit and a bucket of ice! Apparently they thought that I had blown my knee out and needed an ambulance…which they were just about to call! Of course, them rushing over to where I was sitting also caused half of the room to come over as well. That’s when I had to explain to a room full of concerned strangers that the only injury was to Scooby and The Mystery Machine but that my knee was just fine…
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
I’d like to say those are my only 2 gym disasters involving goofy boxers but alas, there’s one more – and this one may be the worst of all.
I was low on laundry so I threw on a pair of the “emergency underwear”…you know, the ones that you keep in the back of your drawer but never really plan on actually wearing (except maybe on laundry day)? This particular pair had Spongebob and Patrick on them. It wasn’t a big deal though since nobody would see them anyway…or so I thought.
I started to perform this exercise called cable lat raises. To perform this exercise, you basically stand next to a low handle and pull it up and across your body to extend your arm all the way out (you still with me?). As I set up the machine, I cut my hand on a sharp edge that was frayed on the cable but I didn’t think anything of it…especially once I saw her. Yep, much like many of my moronic stories, there was a cute girl involved. She happened to be on the machine facing me so we both smiled at each other and then I went back to setting up the machine. Since I knew that I now had an audience, and a hot one at that, I got extra hyped up for my set! So I increased the weight and cranked out 10 reps on each side. I then lowered the weight down before making eye contact with her again like “yeah girl, did you see that? Uh”
Her eyes got really wide and then I started laughing at her reaction until we both started giggling. “Wow,” I thought, “I must have really impressed her with that set! Ya boy is on Fiyahhh!” So I increased the weight again and did 2 more sets. By this point, she was finishing up but still looking at me with a big smile on her face so we both waved at each other as she walked out. I even caught her looking over her shoulder as she walked out…and still grinning from ear to ear!
Of course, I was feeling like the king of the world at this point so you know I had to check myself out and flex at myself for a minute (of course right? Lol). So I turned around to face the mirror and that’s when I noticed Sponge Bob’s face staring back at me…wait what?! Apparently when I pulled the cable across my body, the sharp edge that cut my finger also ripped the entire right thigh of my track pants off exposing Sponge Bob and the gang! Of course, I still had to make my way across the room and back up 2 floors to the locker room but thankfully I had a towel to partially drape over the exposed leg. And that, my friends, is why I now pull the cable behind my back when I do lat raises…you know, just in case.
Bus pass and an Oxygen mask please…
Like most of my stories, this one also involves a love interest cuz I’m just a fool for love I suppose lol. This one technically took place outside of the gym but it’s still related to fitness. I had a crush on this girl who ran for the Rutgers University track team back when I was a student so when she suggested that our first date be a “nice jog” of course I said yes! I mean, I ran track for a little while in high school so how hard could it be? The answer turned out to be “very”….excruciatingly hard actually!
I was only a sprinter in high school but she was a cross country distance runner. Still, I wanted to impress her so off we went but within 5 minutes I already knew that I was in trouble. She was asking me all types of “get to know you questions” like my favorite foods, what I look for in a girlfriend, life goals. Meanwhile, I was merely trying not to die!
It was a gift and a curse. I mean, there she was, the goddess who I had imagined a first date with for months but we were engaged in one of my least favorite activities in the world (distance running). And man, this chick was like a gazelle or a cheetah or something. She was talking as though she was sitting on a couch watching tv, meanwhile I was close to needing cpr lol. My legs were seriously cramping with shin splints and the whole nine plus I was out of breath. She was so sweet and into our conversation though that she just kept firing off questions, and not simple ones that I could just rattle off a generic answer to either!
I tried a desperate attempt to somewhat slow down the conversation so I could breathe for a minute. A little reverse psychology, ya know?
Me: Hey, I don’t want YOU to get tired so don’t let me hit you with too many questions. Gotta save your strength ya know?
Her: Oh no, I’m good.
And she was. As we ran further and further away from the dorm, I knew that we’d still have to eventually make the trip back! So many thoughts started running through my head. Thoughts like “how far was she planning to go?” “What have I gotten myself into?” and “I wonder how many people will be at my funeral tomorrow…”
By this point, I was about to drop so I knew that I had to come up with something fast! I had no phone, no bat-symbol, just 2 heavy legs and a bruised ego lol. As we passed a bus stop that could take me back to the dorm, I knew that I had to finally make a move or there may have been no turning back!
I glanced around and finally spotted a soda can about 100 yards ahead…that’s when I devised my escape plan. I distracted her with a question so that she’d be too lost in thought to pay close attention and then I made sure to dramatically step on the can and slide forward several feet as though I had rolled my ankle. Granted, I almost did actually roll my ankle but hey desperate times eh?
Her: OMG are you okay?
Me: I’ll be okay but wow, I really wanted to finish the run with you – man we were just getting started (lies lol)!
Her: We should probably go back and get some ice on that before it’s too bad.
Since I knew that she had a track meet that she was preparing for though, I told her to go on without me and that I’d find my way back to the dorm where we could hang out again later. She reluctantly went on as I dramatically limped to the bus stop which I took back to the student center where I got ice cream before heading back to the dorm!
Okay so yes, I know what you’re thinking – yes I did lie but don’t worry, it came back to bite me because not only did I have to pretend that I still had a limp for a few weeks after that disaster date, she asked me to go again when I was “healed up.” I was smart enough to say no that time though and instead I took her to the gym where I actually knew what I was doing!
Wow, I didn’t realize that I had so many gym disasters until I started typing this but I could go on for hours here. I don’t want to bore you all to death though so in the interest of time, here are a few highlights from other incidents.
• Some of you reading this may know what a preacher curl bench looks like but for those who don’t, here is a photo:
You use this bench for your biceps and in the modern version of the bench, you can easily place the weight down with ease as it’s supported on both sides. This story happens to take place at the Fort Monmouth, NJ Army gym however and they unfortunately had older equipment so check out this picture of the preacher curl bench that they had.
See how there’s only one center rack to place the bar? Not quite as easy. So at the time, I weighed about 140lbs and I was curling about 130lbs which was nearly my entire body weight! As I was finishing my set, in walked my gym crush (yep again) who greeted me with a big wave and a smile. I was excited to talk to her and I was done with my set so I went to place it down on that center rack but since I wasn’t fully concentrating you know what happened… I missed the rack completely but since I was still holding onto the bar and it weighed nearly as much as I did, I ended up doing a full flip over the bench! I was lucky enough not to hit my head on the center rack as I essentially did a somersault and landed on my feet! Aside from the loud crash and part where my forehead could have been impaled, it was actually pretty cool! I got a round of applause from everyone in the room as though I had done it on purpose but I was just happy to still be alive!
• Here’s another from the near-death experience files! If you don’t know what it looks like to have someone spot you on the bench press, here’s a photo.
At the time of this incident, I weighed 135lbs and was attempting to bench press 300lbs which was a new personal best back then. The guy who I asked to spot me was exactly what you think of when you imagine a bodybuilder. Huge, veins popping everywhere, intense and loud! Great guy but man, he was even more excited for me to lift this weight than I was! So as I settled in to perform the lift, he leaned over my face and started screaming to try and motivate me. It was borderline psychotic rambling but it did get me fired up so yeah, I was ready to go! So I lifted the weight and prepared to lower it down to my chest and that’s when he got even more fired up! He was literally turning red, the vein in his neck was bulging and since he was so intense, he was sweating profusely. I started to bring the weight down as he leaned over my face one more time and that’s when it happened… it was almost in slow motion as that bead of sweat ran down his forehead and dripped off his nose before it landed right above my upper lip!
Normally to push a weight that heavy, you’d want to use a lot of force to bring it back up with maximum power. But in this case, one wrong move and that sweat was going into my mouth! I somehow managed to slowly get the weight back up, rack it and wipe my face off! He was a great guy and I thank him for pushing me but when I attempted to move up to 315lbs, I made sure that he was nowhere in sight!
• Speaking of which, the 315 milestone has another #DoubleFML moment attached to it. This story takes place in Phoenix where I was a personal trainer for a major fitness chain. Since I weighed 135lbs at the time, I set a goal that I wanted to curl 135lbs (my body weight at the time) and then bench press 315lbs and after months of intense training, I finally did it!
Of course, since I had told everybody in the gym about my goals, they were all tracking my progress so everyone wanted to celebrate with me. I was fortunate enough to have been one of the top trainers in the company so I was literally at the gym from open to close most days. So I had people asking me about my goals in the morning, afternoon and at night. When I finally did it, I wanted to show them all!
So someone would ask me in the morning “Darrell, did you do it?” and I’d be like “Yep! Watch!” then I’d go curl 135 and bench press 315. A few hours later, someone in the afternoon would ask me “Darrell, did you do it?” and I’d be like “Yep! Watch!” then I’d go curl 135 and bench press 315. Same thing at night and this pattern continued for about 30 days straight! Now, if you know anything about bodybuilding or just common sense in general, lifting the maximum about of weight possible 3 times per day for a month is ill-advised to say the least!
But finally on day 31, my gym crush walks in. Yep, another one…apparently I don’t learn because nearly all of my tragic stories have this character, just in different forms! This one happened to be an NFL cheerleader for the Arizona Cardinals and I had been working up the nerve to ask her out for months! Anyway, she walks up and asks “Darrell did you do it”? By now, you know how this goes.
So I was like “Yep! Watch!” so I went and curled the 135 and she does a little cheer for me and felt on my biceps. I’m feeling like a superhero at this point so I power-strutted over to the bench and slapped on the 315lbs.
She stood there watching me as the sun cascaded off of her golden brown skin lol (romantic eh?). So I snatched the weight off of the rack and she starts clapping in anticipation. Now, I was a little too hyped up when I lifted that weight off of the bar so my form wasn’t quite what it should have been. I knew that something was off but I had my dream girl staring at me. There was no way that I was going to put that bar down to readjust! I’d rather crack my sternum than to let her see that….and coincidentally um yeah, lol that’s literally what happened!
I lowered the weight down and could feel a burning sensation in my chest. I knew that I was doing some damage, especially after performing this movement so many times over the past month but this was the one time that it really counted! So I pushed the weight back up literally feeling my chest separating as I placed it back on the rack. It felt as though someone took a hammer and hit me in the chest with it before dousing it with gasoline and tossing a match on it. I was on the verge of crying but she ran over and hugged me (which was excruciatingly painful yet everything I wanted at the same time) and did a cute little cheer for me. It was awesome, but I was about to pass out so I couldn’t fully enjoy it. Anyway, I made up an excuse that someone needed me in my office and then I went back and sat underneath the desk holding my chest and crying in horrific pain for the next several hours! I did however end up dating her for awhile though but I wasn’t able to perform a bench press with any weight again for over a year!
• On a dare from my friend Abby, I did a 30-day challenge where I had to stick to a strictly vegan diet. If I were to take this challenge on now, I’d be much better at it since vegan protein powders and options have come a long way since my college days. However back then, it wasn’t so easy. She was supposed to show me a few ideas and I had planned to purchase a few recipe books but the first day or so, I just ate beans and salad since I had no clue what else I could eat. Despite the lack of calories, I still attempted to workout just as hard at the gym as I always did because I refused to lose muscle for this experiment. As a result of my bravado (another reoccurring theme in these stories lol) I nearly dropped an 80lb weight on my face as I started to crash during a set. Luckily my friend was watching as I performed the set because apparently I zoned out and was simply watching this heavy weight slowly come down toward my face. He ran over and slapped it out of my hand before I…well died I guess lol that was a lot of weight but yeah, he saved me! Sadly enough, I don’t even remember his name anymore after he literally saved my life. But yeah, um thanks guy! Anyway, I eventually regained my strength, learned how to eat for the 30 days and won the bet like a champ! And then on day 31? I got a steak… Sorry Abby!
• There was the woman who used to follow me around the gym all of the time. The gym was on the Jersey Shore and she was stereotypically covered in self-tanner. She also used to sweat profusely so every time that she got up from a machine, there was neon orange sweat left behind. She used to find any excuse that she could to do whatever exercise I was doing so that she could talk to me and one time after she got up to leave, she left a perfectly shaped neon orange shaped heart on the seat with her butt-sweat. Romantic eh? What a “sweat-heart”… although my friends made a lot of jokes, I wasn’t the one who should have been embarrassed in this case!
• And I wasn’t the one who should have been embarrassed in this final story either! This guy was also following me around the gym copying my workouts. I happened to be there with my girlfriend who was doing her own workout in a different section but she would occasionally blow me kisses or make a cute gesture in my direction.
Unfortunately, the guy who was following me around thought that she was flirting with him since he happened to be near me each time that she waved or did something in the mirror to get my attention.
When I finished my workout, she was on the treadmill cooling down so I went over as well. Of course, since this guy was blatantly copying my routine, he too walked over and grabbed the treadmill right next to her since he thought that she had been flirting with him the whole time. I took the treadmill to his left (the one on her opposite side was already taken) and began to walk (we’ve already established I hate distance running remember?! Lol). She happened to be jogging though so he sped up as well to impress her. She was naturally fast and rather competitive though so she sped up too until suddenly it was on. He kept going faster and faster as he looked over at her machine constantly checking that she was watching him. Of course, based on my track record of making a fool out of myself to impress women, I knew this wasn’t going to end well for him….I just had no idea HOW bad.
Anyway, she was only going for a mile so she started to slow down and prepare to get off. Now, to this day I still have no idea what this guy was thinking, but instead of completely stopping his machine too, he suddenly threw his hands into the air and jumped into the air to perform a full backflip! Things felt as though they had gone into slow motion for me at this point because suddenly I was looking at this guy and his head was completely upside down as he sailed backwards. I’ve got to say, he got some awesome height on that jump but unfortunately he didn’t quite get the distance! I’m not sure if he had actually pulled off that parlor trick before… and if he had, it would have been epic! But instead, he landed on the back of the treadmill, slid backwards off of it and crashed into the wall behind him. As crazy as it sounds, this literally happened. Man, guys really do some dumb stuff to impress women! At least I wasn’t the only one lol anyway, as the trainers checked on him and called for an ambulance, he was still smiling because my girlfriend was also checking to make sure that he was okay…that is until he finally figured out that we were together.
I actually just thought of 2 more but this is already way too long. Thankfully most of those stories are from the past, aside from the Batman boxer briefs incident from this past weekend. Still, the moral of the story and fitness tip for today is to not do most of that stuff that I did! Today’s post is full of examples what not to do! But the overall theme is to concentrate on your own workout instead of trying to show off or impress anyone else! …especially now that everyone has a camera phone!
Have a fitness related question you’d like answered or an accomplishment you’d like to share? Tell us about it in the comments below!
99 Problems – Jay-Z (I suppose a bench is one actually based on several of those stories lol)
Swish Swish – Katy Perry ft. Nicki Minaj (I still can’t figure out how that kid does that dance!)
Why do Fools Fall in Love – Diana Ross (For those who don’t know, Diana Ross was Beyonce before Beyonce was Beyonce…)
Dangerous – Akon ft. Kardinal Offishal (like most of the stories I just told – don’t try this at home kids!)
Cheerleader – Omi
To be Human – Sia ft Labrinth (from the Wonder Woman movie soundtrack)
Have another song that fits today’s themes or that we should just check out because it’s that good? Tell us about it in the comments below!
Okay well that about does it for today but before I go, if you haven’t seen Wonder Woman yet, you need to! Aside from unintentionally flashing my gym, it was the highlight of my weekend!
Of course, that’s just my opinion as a fan. I have no official affiliation with the movie or DC comics (although I’d love one – I mean geez, can a brotha get a cameo in the next Batman movie? Seriously DC, holla at ya boy! Lol) but that was easily one of the best superhero movies ever made! It was groundbreaking too since it was also directed by a woman, which was a milestone for this genre. Based on what I saw, they need to let her direct them all, lol she did an amazing job! And so did the star of the movie (and everyone’s new crush) Gal Gadot. She had a lot to live up to playing such an iconic role but she nailed it! Expect to see a thousand girls dressed up like her for Halloween this year! Remember how many Harley Quinn costumes there were after the Suicide Squad movie came out? Well this movie blows that one out of the water.
I honestly can’t say enough about this film… yet I also can’t say much more about this movie without spoiling it so I’ll shut up about it for now. But yeah, do yourself a favor and go see it. Seriously, go see it now! If you’re at work, tell your boss that I said it’s okay for you to leave early lol I may actually go and watch it again this week as well (although I still need to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2) – it’s that good!
Before I head out, here’s the part where I remind you to like, comment and share this page. Also follow me on social media and since I got so much great feedback about the memes post last week, send me your faves for the next round later this month.
Okay folks, that about does it for today. I hope that you all have a great week and until next time May the Fork Be With You (even though we haven’t discussed food 2 weeks in a row now so I’ll have to make up for it next time)!
“Real eyes Realize Real lies” – 2Pac