Hey what’s up everybody?  As the staff at the UPS store who receive my Amazon deliveries would know, I can’t always be trusted to shop unsupervised.  Case in point, my innocent trip to Walmart to buy some Clorox wipes and a few protein bars.  Nothing flashy right?  We’re looking at maybe a $10 purchase, max?  But then I passed this…

In my defense, it was discounted down to only $3!  Besides, who couldn’t use a poop shaped piggy bank?  Seems like an essential need to me lol so yeah, I grabbed it off the shelf and tucked it under my arm.  But still, no harm no foul – I was still only looking at $13 bucks or so.  No biggie.  So I made my way down the protein bar aisle and grabbed the ones that I wanted.  5 minutes in and half of the shopping list was completed.  I’d be in and out of the store in no time!  …or so I thought. 

Since it wasn’t my local store, I wasn’t quite sure where to find those Clorox wipes which sent me on a journey around the entire building to find them.  And that’s what led me to find this pizza shaped throw pillow! 

I think my love for pizza has been well documented already but feel free to scroll through the archives for some background lol.  Anyway, yeah, I had to have this!  It was only a few more bucks, that’s innocent enough right?  But here’s where things started to run off the rails a bit.  See, the one that I originally grabbed had a rip in the seam so I had to dig through the bin to find another one.  That’s when I realized that they had a cookie shaped one…and a hot dog  too!  What?!

 

Since I’m a foodie and have the mindset of a 5-year-old at times (no wonder my 5-year-old nephew Domonick and I get along so well.  We think just alike lol plus I’m not much taller so we literally see eye to eye…) of course I had to have them!  Ha the pictures don’t do these justice – these look even better in person!  I’ve had some pretty realistic dreams before so hopefully I don’t ever wake up to realize that I’d eaten one of these in my sleep!  Since my hands were full by this point, I went and got a shopping cart and tossed them in.  But uh oh, a shopping cart made it even easier to carry dumb purchases so that was a dangerous move.  

 

By this point, my friend who I was on the phone with, started to try and talk me down before I went too crazy.  I mustered (or should I say mustard?  Since I had a hot dog pillow?  Try to “ketchup” to what I’m saying here…hahaha get it?  Nevermind…) all the willpower that I had to take her advice and move on to continue looking for the wipes.  Besides, from what I could tell, the rest of the bin was full of emoji pillows including another poop one but hey, I didn’t need that, I already had the bank!  Besides, there wasn’t an upside down smiley face so yeah, I was good. 

So I continued to make my way around the store but then I spotted 2 more bins full of pillows! Oh my lol.  By this point, my friend was literally screaming through the phone for me to stay focused and just find the wipes so I could leave with minimal damage to my wallet….and it almost worked too!  I mean, I already had the pizza, cookie and hot dog pillows, surely there couldn’t be more?  But that’s when I spotted a hamburger pictured among the display images on the side of the bin.  Wait what?  There was a hamburger pillow too?!  And a donut as well!  Needless to say, I started digging and that’s when I found these!

So I tossed them in the cart too but wait, where was the donut?  I mean, I might as well complete the whole set right?  So I kept digging through the bin.  I legitimately almost fell in twice lol now THAT would have made for an interesting story but fortunately I regained my balance.  What I didn’t manage to do however was find that donut pillow.  I even went back to the first bin to check again but no luck.  They must not have had that one in stock (hmm, that reminds me, I should go tomorrow to see if they have any yet lol) but I already had 5 plus the bank so it was time to find the wipes and finally get out of there.

But yeah…that’s when I passed this…

Once again, my friend went into full freak-out mode but once I took a picture of the items in my cart, even she had to admit they were cute.  Still, “stay focused, go get your wipes!” she screamed.  And I planned too….but not until I added that to my cart!  I mean, case in point: it’s a full Batman pillow with a cape and feet!  And counterpoint?  Dude, it’s a full Batman pillow with a cape and feet!  There IS no counterpoint.  This was coming home with me.

Anyway, I finally managed to find the wipes all the way on the other side of the store.  I also literally held my hands to the sides of my face like a shield so that I wouldn’t randomly spot anymore crazy items to purchase.  I also managed to ignore the impulse buy items like candy and magazines surrounding the register so at least I had one moment of restraint that I could be proud of (feel free to mail my “adulating participation trophy* to the address listed on the contact page…).

Of course, in traditional Darrell #DoubleFML luck, they didn’t have any large bags for me to carry these items out with so I had to carry everything in my cart fully exposed.  I don’t get embarrassed easily but I still thought it might be a little awkward hugging a Batman pillow as I strolled all the way across the parking lot to my car.  But that’s when I passed this gorgeous fitness modelesque looking woman walking her daughter into the store.  Whoa!  She was hotter than a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 Battery!  Geez… We smiled at each other and her little girl pointed up at the pizza pillow I was carrying.

“Look Mommy, ‘peetha’” she shouted excitedly.

I let her hold it for a second (hold, not have – get your own kid! lol).  I then told her where in the store they could find them.

“OMG, thanks!” the hot mom replied “Aww, you must be the sweetest dad ever!  Your kids are going to love those!”

Lol um yeah…my kids…. Hahaha yeah, that’s who they’re for lady lol. 

Anyway yeah, here they are in my home office…

 

Yep, reason #4,375 why I’m probably single lol.  Anyway, moving on…

Speaking of impulse buy candy, did you know that In April, Starburst will be launching limited edition “pink only” bags?  Apparently that flavor is so popular, many people sift through to find the pink ones and ignore the rest of the bag so this is a dream come true for many.  But wow, the country is already so divided, do we really need to separate our Starburst now too?  Can’t all Starburst just get along? 

At least this move makes sense since they are separate flavors.  I have a friend who swears that he can taste the difference between the green and blue M&M’s!  lol like really bro?  Come on man, even Gordon Ramsay’s palette isn’t THAT good.  Geez.

Speaking of the green M&M, ever since the brown one came out (voiced by Vanessa Williams, one of my favorite actresses) the poor green one doesn’t get nearly as much attention in the commercials anymore.  Poor thing.  Can’t 2 strong independent M&M’s just get along?  It’s okay, I still love you Greenie…the world may have forgotten about you but I haven’t.

Hey quick question, do any of you watch that “This is Us” show?  If so, somebody please give us a rundown of what it’s about in the comments.  I’ll also do some research on my own because man, I’ve got to find out why everyone is crying on my Facebook and Twitter (follow me by using the icons on the side panel) newsfeed every week during this show!  Geez, lol This is Us must be as romantic as my pancake haikus from last post! 

I actually used one of the show’s frames for my Facebook profile picture but had no idea what it was about.  I just liked the image.  I’ll have to look into this because apparently if you want to cry for some reason, that’s where you should go!  When I want a good cry the place to go for me is usually the ATM to do a balance statement report…

Also around the tv dial (lol what an old term, does anybody actually have a dial on their tv anymore?) – Survivor is back!  I’ve already expressed my love for that show several posts ago but feel free to check it out.  I know the show has been on for a zillion years but it’s still one of my faves.

Another fave that’s back on tv now is Catfish on MTV.  For those who don’t know, a catfish is someone who pretends to be a different person online in hopes of tricking another person into either falling in love with them or to scam them out of money.  I’ve actually had 4 different women try to Catfish me before “catfishing” was even a thing lol.  They were ahead of their time I suppose lol pioneers.  But yeah, one of them sent photos of her friend and lied about her age.  She gave me her real name at least but it was before I had an easy way to figure out that she was lying (I still had dial-up internet so that should give you an idea how long ago this was!). 

Every time that we were supposed to meet in person (she only lived an hour away in northern New Jersey) she always made up some last-minute excuse until one day she finally admitted the truth out of guilt. 

Another girl was from Australia.  She had the opposite approach in that she gave me real photos but a fake name (she too lied about her age though so they had that in common).  Eventually I got her to also confess after a few of her stories didn’t quite add up. 

Speaking of stories that didn’t quite add up, the other 2 women were much worse, lol.  One pretended that she was a spy and told me that she had to travel around the world on missions!  After I kept asking her more and more questions about her “missions” that she couldn’t answer, she eventually disappeared then her “cousin” with the same exact email address started hitting on me a few months later.  

Oh and the last one called herself “Paradise” and sent pictures of some model that she pretended to be until she made the mistake of emailing me from her real account that had her actual name on it.  Once I looked up the real name I called her out on it and she too confessed.

Of course, this was all before Google Image search was really popular.  I mean, Catfish is fun to watch but now all you really have to do is put the person’s photos and phone number in the system and you can usually figure out their identity just like Nev and Max do on the show. 

But even now I still get the occasional scam email.  I swear that Arabian Prince has been emailing me about that same 5 million dollars in exchange for my bank account info for nearly 10 years!  But at least I can understand that scam so it makes sense.  I mean, those clowns want money and hope someone is gullible enough to give them their personal information so their motives are clear.  It’s the ones who are genuinely looking for love by pretending to be someone else who confuse me. 

I mean, they always say stuff like “only my photos, name and age were fake” but um yeah, those are pretty significant details!  Lol how can you trust someone when they can’t even tell you something as simple as their name?  Or the ones who want to meet after sending fake photos lol what are you going to meet Comic Con so you can wear a mask or something the whole time?  And why lie?  That alone must be exhausting to keep up with.  And no matter how fun it may be to play a character and escape for awhile, it’s still unfair to the object of your affection.  Especially once real feelings are involved.

That’s why I always say to just be yourself.  There’s no need to trick someone into being with you.  I mean, everyone is crazy in their own way and everyone has flaws.  Embrace yours and just be you.  Like the saying goes, I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.  If someone doesn’t accept you for who you are then you don’t need them anyway.  So yeah, hug that Batman pillow and carry your poop emoji bank across the parking lot proudly lol just be yourself… always (we’ve addressed this topic a few times but here was the first post I made these statements in…ironically featuring a poop tee lol).

Admittedly, I do not enjoy distance running but sprints on the other hand?  Whether it was during high school football and track or just as a part of my workouts, I’ve always loved the feeling of running at top speed.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t do either form of running for nearly 2 years because of a painful burn spur that I had on my left big toe. 

For those who are unfamiliar, a bone spur is a bony projection that develops along the edges of bones most commonly near the joint due to inflammation.  It sounds like a tiny issue but man are they painful and limiting!  I could barely walk normally so running was definitely off the table.

I went to one of the top Orthopedic surgeons in the country and he told me that it would most likely require surgery to shave down the spur.  Even then, he said that at best, I’d probably only regain about 30 percent of the range of motion in that toe and would definitely never lunge or run again. 

The alternative that he mentioned was a $600 orthodic shoe insert.  That insert would hopefully rest the joint enough to ease the pain but I’d still require surgery at some point and would never get the range of motion back to workout the way that I used to.

Well, $600 was a lot to spend on something that might not work.  Besides, I need that money for important things like hamburger pillows and pancake tank tops so I held off on both options and tested my own theories.  Long story short, I increased my intake of omega fats, tumeric and other nutrients to help break the arthritic inflammation and I changed my footwear to help rest the joint to hopefully postpone or avoid surgery.

Anyway, I’m proud to announce that yesterday, not only did I do lunges, but I also did about 8 full speed sprints with no pain whatsoever!  Man It felt good to turn on the jets again and release the hounds haha the dark knight rises eh?  It looks like I’m on my way to a full recovery and my toe has felt stronger every day.

Now I’m not sharing this story to imply that I’m any smarter than the Orthopedic surgeon.  It’s quite the opposite actually because what I did was pretty risky.  It also took nearly 2 years for me to pull this off so by all means, please go see a doctor or specialist if you have a serious medical issue!

The takeaways here however are that many natural approaches may also help so learning how nutrients affect your body or consulting with a Naturopathic doctor for a second opinion is also a great idea if you have the time and means to do so.

The most important takeaway however is that even if you get a bad report from a doctor, you still have to believe that you can get better.  I know it’s only a bone spur so I’m not a cancer or a stroke survivor or anything but still, no matter what the medical chart says or how bad the odds look, never give up. 

Again, my limping around for 2 years pales in comparison to major ailments but as a fitness professional, being told that I would never be able to lunge or sprint again was pretty hard to swallow….so I didn’t.  Without smacking you over the head with a bible, some of my will and fighting spirit can be attributed to my faith.  Some is based on research and some was just dumb luck but I never stopped believing that I would get better and now I am. 

The human body is an incredible piece of machinery and the human mind is a powerful tool.  Believe that and believe in your ability to beat the odds.  Sorry if I ran a little long driving this point home but I currently have a few family members and friends dealing with some pretty serious medical reports as I’m sure many of you do as well so someone out there needed to read that.  I’ve seen people overcome some pretty dire situations after doctors had already written them off so it can happen for you too.  Again, no matter the ailment, keep fighting and never give up.

Today’s Soundtrack

Fighter – Christina Aguilera   

Beat it – Michael Jackson (there’s your MJ reference lol we’ll just get it out of the way early this time)

Starboy – The Weeknd (Starboy….Starburst…)

Sell Me Candy – Rihanna (Speaking of hotter than a Samsung Galaxy 7 Note Battery…)

Cleaning Out My Closet – Eminem (M&M…see what I did there?  Clever eh?  lol hmm, cleaning out my closet is what I should do too – there are plenty more impulse buys behind those doors!  Lol)

Notorious Thugs – Notorious B.I.G ft Bone Thugs-N-Harmony (Bone Spur Thugs-N-Harmony?)

Peanut Butter Jelly Time – Buckwheat Boyz (lol this has absolutely nothing to do with today’s post but my friend’s son was singing this to me on the phone earlier so it’s stuck in my head.  Anyone want to explain why the peanut butter and jelly is with a baseball bat in the comments section? Lol inquiring minds want to know…)

Have another song that fits today’s soundtrack?  Post it in the comments below!

Okay, as usual, I’m now hungry again so my stomach says it’s time to close this one out.  Ironically, I am craving a PB&J so yes, it’s peanut butter jelly time for real (crunchy not creamy!  I still can’t believe you people actually voted for creamy to win the first debate...blasphemous!  Ugh…).  Anyway, regular readers should know the deal by now – this is the part where I tell you to hit the like button at the bottom of this page, leave a comment and then hit the share button too!  Also, follow me on social media – especially if you’re in the Atlanta area since I’ll be announcing a fun event that I’ll be hosting on Sunday. 

I’ll be back again on Monday morning with the next post and hopefully I’ll have that donut pillow by then to complete the set!  Once again, thanks for dropping by.  Have a great weekend everybody and as always, May the Fork be With You…well, except for in this case since eating PB&J with a fork would be kinda weird and pretentious (bad and boujee…).  Although my friend’s husband seriously eats tuna sandwiches with chopsticks since it keeps his hands from getting dirty.  True story!  Wow, this is a pretty long-winded close eh?  Ha okay let me get out of here for real this time.  Later people!

-Darrell