Well hello there buttercup…cutie pie…baby cakes. Hold up lol why is it that most pet names are sugary carbs? Muffin? Honey Buns? Sugar? Dumpling? Cupcake? I mean, doesn’t that imply that the person is actually bad for you? Wouldn’t something good for you be more appropriate? I dunno like maybe a protein shake or a spear of broccoli? A turnip perhaps? Ooh or maybe a big fat head of cabbage? “Hey girl, you’re my big fat cabbage head” – yeah, that’s hot right there! Fellas, try saying that to your wives or girlfriends (or both?) later and let me know how that goes for you (fine print: *#DoubleFML and Fat Darrell’s LLC take no responsibility for any medical bills incurred due to said foolish action!)!
Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day and welcome to La Casa de Amor (The House of Love)! Make yourself cozy boo (boo, bae, pookie…hmm, fat cabbage head might be better after all), let me take your coat, can I pour you a drink? Lol now before half of you say that it’s just a “commercialized holiday” aren’t they all? That doesn’t mean that they aren’t still fun to celebrate! I mean, could you dye eggs and hide them around your lawn all year if you wanted to? Sure I guess lol but doing it on Easter makes it a little more special don’t you think? Same thing.
And yes, anti-Valentine’s Day couples, I agree “that you should love each other all year” but why can’t you do that and still do something extra on V-day? I get that everything is overpriced and crowded on February 14th but you can still do something like make a romantic dinner at home or write something from the heart. It’s not necessarily about money, it’s about effort. And really, how much effort are you putting in daily anyway? Most of us can honestly afford to put in a little more work for one day. I mean, the bar is so low now we have it easy! Seriously!
Back in the day, men courted women for months! …even years! They had to shower them with roses, poetry, expensive gifts and often risked their lives fighting in duels to win her love. But now? Now you can send a “Sup?” text followed by a few heart emojis and be compared to Shakespeare! Seriously, letting your date use your phone charger, even though you’re at 25%, is the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle. So is dropping $3 bucks to rent The Notebook or something REALLY that much of an ordeal? Just do it man, make her feel special. That’s right, sorry fellas, this day is still mostly for the ladies. But what’s the phrase? “Happy wife, happy life”? Yeah, that lol.
“I woke up this morning wishing bae would make me some pancakes… but then I remembered that I don’t have a girlfriend and I also don’t have any pancake mix so I made a protein shake and took my dumbass to work…” – Fat Darrell
Oh, and before you ask, yes I am single. But I’m not one of those “bury my head until the 15th, I hate this day” singles lol. For starters, there’s a ton of half priced candy the next day lol (Reeses peanut butter hearts! Mmm…) but I’ve also always had a great example on how to make Valentine’s Day special from my father. That’s right. For as long as I’ve been alive, he’s given my mother a present every single day starting on February 1st and culminating with the biggest and best on Valentine’s Day along with a romantic dinner, etc. And yes, he still shows her love all year and treats her like a queen (because she is – Happy Valentine’s Day Mom) so he’s living proof that you absolutely can do both!
Now, admittedly, he’s throwing off the grading curve for the rest of us with all of that! But some other dude in your significant other’s office might be doing the exact same thing! No matter how jaded you might think she is about the holiday, watching someone else get showered with romantic gifts while she sits empty handed may still cause some resentment. So a few weeks from now, when you’re chewing too loudly or something and a plate suddenly gets thrown at your dome “for no reason” that could be why lol. I’d at least play it safe and get a card or something!
Speaking of cards, back in the day was the best wasn’t it? lol back in elementary school…with those boxes of Valentine’s Day cards you gave out to everyone in class! They were all generic and neutral but the one that actually had the word “love” on it, yeah, that one always went to the girl I had a crush on! I’d put it on her desk while giving her a head-nod and a wink.
Ha, I thought I had game back then but I just got footage of my 5-year-old nephew Domonick twirling his girlfriend Ruby on the dancefloor at this party his kindergarten class had a few weeks ago. Now THAT kid has game lol. I’ll have to ask him what he got her for Valentine’s Day lol a heart made out of Legos perhaps? Ha, I’ll let you know…
Actually, that Lego idea would be cute! Well, for a kid at least. Although I made a vegetable smiley face at this salad bar a few years ago and gave it to this lady at the table across from me and that actually worked so you never know.
I saw a commercial for a similar idea the other day. It’s this heart-shaped pizza and brownie combo from Papa Johns that they’re doing for Valentine’s Day. Now I love Papa Johns – they’re delicious and all but for Valentine’s Day? Hmm, you’d better have a special type of lady to appreciate that present lol unless it’s done ironically. But even then, because of the shape it’s actually smaller than a regular pie so I just don’t know about that one. But at least it’ll taste good. I remember back in college, I had a crush on this girl Dee so I tried making her cookies in the shape of her name on top of a layer of brownies. Awww, cute right? But um, yeah, I had never made cookies or brownies before. Hahaha, they came out so bad! They were burned on the sides and undercooked in the middle. She was too sweet to tell me but yeah, um sorry again Dee! I’m pretty sure they were gross lol.
That’s not nearly as bad as this disaster Valentine I witnessed firsthand several years later though! My coworker was preparing for this exam she had to pass in order to move up in the company so this much older guy at the corporate office volunteered to “help her study.” He had an obvious crush on her but she wasn’t interested at all. Actually she was slightly creeped out by him but yet he still chose Valentine’s Day to make his bold attempt to escape out of the friend zone. So every few hours, a UPS truck would pull up and deliver another increasingly awkward gift lol.
He started off okay with flowers but then he sent homemade cookies that somehow managed to taste even worse than the ones I made back in college! Then he sent this giant stuffed heart that he must have sewn for her but one side was significantly larger than the other so it looked strange. Then he sent this inappropriately dressed teddy bear. At the time, I jokingly said there was probably a camera inside of it. In hindsight, we probably should have seriously checked for that before she took it home lol.
Oh! And I think the bear talked! She wouldn’t let me hear the personalized message he had recorded into it but I’m imagining it said something like “it puts the lotion in the basket…” The final delivery was an enormous hand drawn picture (it was in pencil with tons of visible eraser marks lol it reminded me of that scene in Napoleon Dynamite) of the 2 of them together inside of a heart with their names (he spelled hers wrong by the way lol) in bright glitter! I literally had tears coming out of my eyes from laughter. It was spectacular! A glorious disaster lol.
But at the same time, I was somewhat impressed by his willingness to put himself out there to take a chance. His gift selection was questionable but realistically, had she thought he was cute, those same awful gifts would have probably been called “sweet” and “adorable” so you just never know.
That must be the same rationale that people have when they propose in the middle of a stadium on the big screen. It’s always so awkward when the woman says no! But big risk, big reward I suppose.
That must have also been the rationale this lady at the grocery store had last month when she literally slammed her cart into my backside on purpose 2 times before telling me her life story and asking for my number. That was as close to legally trying to club someone over the head to drag them into your cave as you can possibly get in the modern era lol. It was bold, I’ll give her that…a little psychotic (okay, very), but still bold nonetheless lol.
But that’s what this day is about. Showing extra appreciation for those special people in your life and taking a chance on new relationships. As I always say, life is short so I say you go for it! Just don’t forget to also appreciate them the other 364 days of the year (and 365 on leap years…).
“Some dudes finally get the girl everyone wants and then forget that she’s still the girl everyone wants…”
What’s the most awkward or romantic (or both) gesture you’ve ever witnessed or experienced? Tell us about it below!
Speaking of appreciation every day on the calendar, I’d like to introduce you to my Valentine’s date this year. Yes, I’m single but things are getting pretty serious so I’m finally ready to go public. So with that said, here’s bae…
Yes pizza never lets you down. Pizza understands. Ha yeah that’s right, she’s a tall drink of water isn’t she? Over 6 feet of deliciousness lol now you see why the Papa Johns heart pie could never compare. Although somebody sent me a picture of this and it comes pretty close! Mmmm tacos ha although being gassy for the rest of the night could definitely be a romance killer lol
“‘How about we take this to the bedroom?’……………. I whispered to my snacks.”
So February is also National Heart Month (ah very clever American Heart Association, well played…). With that said, here are 5 ways to keep yours strong and healthy!
- Get active! Your heart is just like any other muscle in your body. You have to train it to get stronger through physical activity so get off the couch more often (no, don’t just move from the couch to the bed, I mean get up and do something active)!
- Cut back on foods that are high in sodium to help lower your blood pressure.
- Also cut back on foods that are high in cholesterol to keep those arteries clear.
- Reduce stress and find better ways to deal with tense situations.
- Quit smoking! Do I really need to explain this one?
If you can’t make all of these changes at once, attack one at a time but make it happen so that you can live a longer, healthier life with your boo (fat cabbage head?)!
Have a fitness question you’d like for me to answer? Hit me up in the comments!
This list could get ridiculously long today so I’m capping this after the first 10 songs that pop into my head. Then you can use this list to go make an old school mix-cd for your love and serenade her on her front lawn lol (I’m joking but if you do PLEASE record and post that…)
Cherish the Day – Sade (her voice is like Egyptian cotton wrapped in satin lol one of my all-time favorites)
Will You Still Love Me – Amy Winehouse (RIP – man she was so talented)
I Feel it Coming – The Weeknd ft Daft Punk (great song from one of my favorite artists who sounds eerily like Michael Jackson here…man, I almost made it though a post without an MJ reference lol what’s the tally up to now?)
Crush – Yuna featuring Usher (yes I used this one before but it’s that good)
Purple Rain – Prince (I’ve almost given myself a hernia several times trying to hit the high notes at the end)
Closer – Nine Inch Nails (lol for the more adventurous type of love song – careful with those lyrics around the kiddies though. You’ve been warned)
Doing It – LL Cool J (along those same lines but with slightly safer lyrics lol)
Unchained Melody – The Righteous Brothers (buy a pottery wheel and reenact that scene from ghost with your boo…get it? Ghost? Boo? Nevermind…)
Crazy – K-Ci and JoJo (like you have to be to slam a shopping cart into someone twice to get their attention lol)
Hello – Joe (Have you heard this incredible cover of Adele’s song from Joe yet? If not, you’re welcome)
Like I said, there are SO many classic love songs. I could spend hours on just the 90’s alone so feel free to drop your favorites in the comments.
Okay love bugs, it’s about that time. To those participating, Happy Valentine’s Day! To those who aren’t Happy um…Day. But either way, I love you all, especially those of you who have been commenting and sharing the site. I’m glad that you’re enjoying the page. The world is a scary place sometimes so if I can put a smile on anyone’s face for a few minutes, it’s worth the effort. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter by hitting those social media buttons. Oh yeah, and if anyone wants to make that taco thing or order me a pizza heart I’m all for it! Ha, okay people, I’ll be back again on Thursday. As always, may the Fork be With You…
“Netflix and Chill?”